This is not how men should act

Letter #41

Saul Loeb - AFP - Getty Images

The video had 900,000 views. It was 5 hours old. The thumbnail showed two men—two Presidents—faces red with anger, yelling at each other.

It was, of course, Donald Trump and Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

I was shocked to see this on my Youtube feed yesterday.

It felt like a fever dream. When I read the comments, the significance of this event hit me on a different level. People were embarrassed and scared.

One user wrote: “This is so far fetched the Simpsons couldn’t even predict it.”

Another user wrote: “The loudest person in the room is ALWAYS the weakest.”

I have a story that relates to this.

I love video games. You know that. Recently I got obsessed with a game called Marvel Rivals and started playing it every day.

There’s a competitive mode that’s particularly spicy, and as a borderline adrenaline junkie, I found it addicting. About a month ago I was playing with a team and we were getting destroyed. You can talk with your teammates in the game, and one of our teammates got on and started trash talking us.

I had just lost like 3 games in a row, and I wasn’t having it.

I started talking back to him, he started yelling, then I started yelling, and we spent—no lie—10 minutes yelling at each other. It was an epic shouting match for the ages. It was so bad that Dalia came out, shut the windows, and shut her door.

I finally calmed down, and when I did I realized that—as the only gringo in the building—everybody there probably knew it was me. Oh my gosh, it was so embarrassing. I completely lost my head. My teammate and I became like dogs just barking at each other, trying to be the loudest person in the room.

I also realized that it must’ve been ridiculous for Dalia to see that. Oh Dad, it was so bad. I was so ashamed of myself. I laid down in my bed and just sat there for an hour, feeling awful.

All over a stupid video game.

I write this because I can see myself in Zelenskyy and Trump. They both turned into dogs just barking at each other in front of the entire world—something men are so good at doing. At least they were barking about something important—I was just barking over a pinche video game.

At one point Trump said “It’s good for the people to see this,”

No. I’m sorry, but it most certainly wasn’t.

In your last letter, Dad, you wrote “Inner strength and control. I think that’s what the world so desperately needs in us and it will be a better place if we’d give it that. It’s a lesson I’m still learning.”

It’s a lesson I’m still learning too, and by the way, who’s perfect in this regard? No man in the history of humanity has always maintained control of his emotions.

Trump is considered a strong man amongst Conservatives. When he got shot in the summer of 2024, he immediately stood up and threw his fist in the air.

Say what you want about the guy, but this picture goes harder in the paint than Lebron James in his prime—or, for that matter, at 40.

I look at this photo and I see a man without fear. I see a guy who almost just lost his life and doesn’t seem phased in the slightest. That, to me, is strength. Bill it, ship it, and deliver it.

A lot of Conservatives seem to like Trump because he:

1. Tells it like it is.

2. Doesn’t back down from anybody.

I’m willing to bet that most of Conservative America watched this exchange between Trump and Zelenskyy and cheered it on. “Put him in his place!” they might think. “This guy can’t even say thank you when we sent him billions of dollars!”

If that’s how they think, I can understand that. I don’t agree with it, but I can understand it. America’s in its “Let’s take care of ourselves first” phase, and we don’t seem to be happy with the dead weight we’ve been pulling along all these years.

That’s fine, and if you believe that, go ahead.

I’m talking about the behavior here, though, from two world leaders. Two men!

I don’t care what you believe—I feel that this public meltdown was unacceptable.

Both from Trump and Zelenskyy.

One question I keep coming back to is, is it acceptable for men to stand up to people?

I would say yes, of course.

The next question I have is, in what form? Can we be angry? Can we shout? Should we keep our emotions in check?

This is so fascinating to me, because I think irony abounds.

Many on the Left would say NO! Keep your emotions in check! This behavior is unacceptable! Then they’ll praise the violent assassination of a CEO and frame the killer as a hero.

Many on the Right would say YES! Tell them like it is! It’s about time we let the emotions come out! Then they’ll get upset when people riot or protest against injustices in the United States.

It doesn’t make any sense to me.

I’m of the mindset that, generally, you don’t act like that.

But I’m also of the mindset that you need to stand up for yourself, too. You can’t just let people walk all over you.

How the hell is a man supposed to act here?

With tact. With control. That’s my answer.

Yes, Zelenskyy was just standing up for his people, but there was a way to not allow that conversation to devolve into madness, either. It always takes two to tango. That’s what every relationship book I’ve ever read has told me. If you’re upset with your partner, and a big argument ensues, don’t just be mad at them, be mad at yourself.

It always takes two to tango.

As of right now, Zelenskyy doesn’t want to apologize for how he acted either.

If you want to call that toxic masculinity, I wouldn’t stop you.

Then we come to Trump. I mean, this is a given, right? We already know that Trump is who he is. We know that he doesn’t apologize for anything, and that he doesn’t shy away from conflict that can get real ugly real quick.

On a fundamental level, what we witnessed on Friday was unacceptable. In terms of masculine behavior, it was a disaster. This is not how men should act—especially two world leaders! One being the literal leader of the free world! Dad, I think you’d agree. You’ve been fair in the past when discussing Trump’s behavior. Even though you might agree with Trump’s position here (and that’s fine), I think you’d agree with me that the disrespect and vitriol went too far at certain points in this tirade.

I shared a quote from Interstellar a few weeks ago in a past letter. “When you become a parent, one thing becomes really clear. And that's that you want to make sure your children feel safe.”

I look at Trump and Zelenskyy almost like the “Fathers” of their respective nations. Watching this heated argument play out did not make me feel safe. It fills me with dread, to be honest. I hope we don’t see anything like this again during Trump’s Presidency.

I think when emotions run high, it’s very easy for us men to turn into dogs, just barking at each other. I get it. I’ve done it over video games!! We can’t allow this to happen, though. We’ve been talking about masculinity lately, Dad, and while I do think that Trump has some admirable masculine qualities, I desperately wish he had more control. I really do.

I think President Reagan had that, right? He used well-placed wit in debates to lighten the atmosphere and even get his opponents to laugh. He was also known to avoid personal confrontation, and tried to maintain a sense of civility when dealing with sharp internal disagreements at the White House.

President Obama was really good at this, too, I think. One baller moment with Obama was when he said in his last State of the Union “I have no more campaigns to run,” which prompted every Conservative in the building to start clapping. It was kinda funny, actually.

Then he said “I know because I won both of them.”

Even funnier. 10/10 comedy.

This is the way to go. Control. Just like you talked about in the last letter. I think you’d agree.

Thanks Dad, for listening.

SPECIAL NOTE: Dad and I are going LIVE on Substack next Sunday, March 9th at 3 PM ET with our friend

Jon Santiago

. We’ll discuss the themes of our recent letters, masculinity, and more! It’ll be free to join. You’ll get an email when we go live. I hope you stop by! I guarantee it’ll be worth your time.