What does the world want in a man?

Letter #40

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

Hello Tom,

The first time I saw him he was imposing. At least 6”2 and well over 220lbs. He had just transferred from our University of Maryland Medical System Hospital in downtown Baltimore to our facility in Gwynn Oak for a better opportunity.

As our supervisor introduced us, I just knew instinctively that we were going to hit it off. That conviction only heightened when he told me later that he was a Vietnam Veteran and a pure outdoorsman. This was John Wayne if I ever saw him, and you can say I was star struck by his presence.

I had just turned 32 when we first met. The relationship progressed to a very close one. I truly did idolize the man, and I wasn’t afraid to tell him either. I expressed it many times and the part that was so meaningful to me is that it mattered to him. He even told me the feeling was mutual. We worked hard and laughed hard as he really had a great sense of humor. One time he put a construction hat on and taped 2 long ears on the side of it like a dog and he had written “Top Dog” on the front. That really caused a big laugh from me, and he got a big kick out of it too.

Another time he bought a pumpkin pie and put it on the shop worktable and assuming it was for the crew, I cut a piece for myself and ate it. He came in later and told me it wasn’t for us it was supposed to be a gift for our boss. I was terribly guilt prone in those days and I felt awful. I offered to buy a new pie. I was ready to leave to go to the local Giant when he said, “Billy, I just have one word to say to you, GOTCHA!!!”

I could’ve killed him, but then we had a good laugh. We went through many things together. Very hard jobs, health issues, and very similar family problems with our extended families. His best piece of advice when I didn’t know how to deal with extended family problems was to “just worry about your little family.” It was great advice, and it became a strategy I lived by from then on.

It was really cool to see his growth as a person as well. He could talk to me about his experiences in Vietnam and one day in a sensitive moment he told me he was awarded the bronze star for pulling two of his fellow soldiers out of a rice paddy under heavy fire. He wasn’t bragging either, he was very humble about it. He had a scar on his forehead from shrapnel and he also had a bad injury to his left ankle from being shot during a fire fight. The man was the real deal.

I would’ve never believed our relationship would take a turn for the worst, but it did.

Unfortunately, it did.

The failures on my end were many. The most glaring fault was co-dependency. At that point I really allowed my self-worth to be defined by what I perceived to be his approval of me. I lived and died with it. When I didn’t feel his approval, I could really get angry and would lash out. Another very bad fault of mine at the time was my sanctimonious attitude. I had it together because I was a Christian and a bible thumping one at that. I made it known that I was doing most things right as a father raising my kids the right way and in a Christian home. I really had it together all right, and I wasn’t afraid to say so.

The problems on his end were a proneness to jealousy and ambition that could cause him to be disloyal when it benefited him. He also had a “tell it like it is” mentality that was a recipe for disaster for my personality at the time. It’s funny because like most people with that attitude, he didn’t like that mentality when it applied to him. In other words, he could dish it out be he couldn’t take it.

This was creating a collision course, unfortunately, and it wasn’t going to be pretty when it finally came to a head.

Another very important part of the story is that his family broke up due to a divorce. He had partial custody, but it was a pretty nasty divorce, and it caused a lot of turmoil in his life. He was really hurt by it. He really loved his kids dearly, by the time he came to work with us they were teenagers but the relationships with them were somewhat strained. He had a very good relationship with his stepson from his second marriage, but it caused some jealousy with his biological children.

The fact that I was at home with my family was a source of jealousy for him, and it didn’t help that I could be arrogant about it at times.

This all came into play when our relationship took a big turn for the worse.

For two years before the following incident happened, I had been hurt and hurt many times by him. A lot of it had to do with my own immaturity as I should never have given anyone that much power over my value. At that time, I hadn’t been to therapy yet and I just couldn’t cope with any perceived or real rejection.

What happened was we recently had gotten a new assistant supervisor, and he wasn’t there that long when he wanted to change half the crew’s work hours. That would’ve created a hard ship for our family at the time Tom, as mom needed my help to get you kids ready for her bus run. As you very well remember, we had to get up earlier than the rest of the school for that reason, and mom needed my help.

I wasn’t happy with this decision by our supervisor and protested loudly. It didn’t help that he was a pompous ass too.

My co-worker used this as an opportunity to make himself look good at my expense. He even told me that he’d volunteer to take the earlier shift so “I would stop whining about it.” After he told me what he had done, I did what I had done so many other times.

I went home and seethed about it all night,

By the time I got to work the next morning I was really angry.

I confronted my co-worker about it and told him I don’t understand how he could’ve done this to me, and that he knew about our families struggle in the mornings. He responded by saying, “you’re not the only the only one with a family Billy.”

Then I said something really stupid and something I have regretted deeply ever since.

“Well, if you had cared a little more about your family maybe they’d still be with you.”

That in turn caused him to go into his own rage and it didn’t end well for me as it got physical before one of my co-workers broke it up.

As you can imagine, he had PTSD from the war and went through hell trying to overcome it. Pushing his buttons was very foolish and dangerous of me. He left the room in a rage and things were very tense for a month before we spoke again.

In his mind I was totally at fault and in my mind, he was totally at fault for provoking me.

It took a really long time to get the relationship back on better footing. He told my co-worker he really regretted what he did and that he wished it never happened. That got back to me in a private conversation which then caused me to go to him and apologize for what I said, too. Those kinds of incidents cause soul wounds as I like to call them, and it’s been my experience that it can take up to 10 years to overcome. It was a very bad thing that should’ve never happened.

Sadly, years later he got stage 3B lung cancer that was probably as a result of agent orange. The radiation and chemo he endured allowed him to live five more years before he succumbed to esophageal cancer.

Although there was and will always be a part of me that is hurt by what happened, we went through far too much together and shared a love that only brothers can have. I visited him many times in the hospital. Most of the time he wasn’t even awake, but I would still talk to him and tell him I was there and praying for him. His organs finally began to give out from the stress placed on them and his wife told me they would be taking him off the ECMO machine he had been on that coming Sunday. She told me that on a Wednesday. I went and saw him with mom and this time he was awake and alert. He looked at me with a lot of love and appreciation, but he couldn’t talk because of the tube in his mouth, I went down there again on Saturday to see him one last time. I told him thank you for all you did for me and the many ways in which you helped me. I told him thank you for making me more of a man. In some ways I do believe what he did helped me to grow up and to stop being so damn sensitive.

Then I told him

“I’ll see you soon friend”

The last thing he did was wink at me, and then I left the room.

I thought this story was very relevant and a good way to end our discussion on masculinity.

I had no business asking him to give me what I can only give myself. That was a huge mistake, and it caused me to be in a relationship on inferior terms. That’s always a bad place to be in. What did I need to give myself? I needed to know and be convinced in my own mind that I have value and that it’s never dependent on what anyone thinks of me.

I interpreted the bad times we shared in a way that made me think I was a bad person, which then immediately took me to bad places. It was very scary to look at myself as a failure or bad and that’s why I got so angry.

No matter how his bad qualities affected me, my biggest mistake was allowing that to pollute my view of myself. I needed to know that as long as I wasn’t being cruel or evil, I was OK.

Looking back on it now, I sometimes have talks with that 32-year-old me and tell him you were a good guy that had wrong thinking is so many ways. I really wish my co-worker was still alive as I know that now we would have a better relationship.

This is not to say that men shouldn’t be mentors to other men. We are called to do that and absolutely should. The problem with our relationship was we were both unhealthy in many ways, and that we needed to set healthy boundaries. A big part of that would’ve been to take the emotional part out of the equation. On my end especially. I also realized the more time went on, that this man that I thought was indestructible had insecurities too. All of us do. Even the people that you would never suspect.

So, Tom my philosophy is this.

Don’t let the negative define you. Your value is already a done deal. It’s never dependent on what other wounded people think. Be convinced of that. Live strongly in that conviction and you’ll always be the healthier for it. When you’re really convinced of that, you’re going to bring what any man needs to bring to the table of any relationship.

Inner strength and control. I think that’s what the world so desperately needs in us and it will be a better place if we’d give it that. It’s a lesson I’m still learning.

Love you Tom