I appreciate this thoughtful take on masculinity--especially as I am not a man, and can't fully understand your struggles. I am exactly the same age--61, and have grown up with basically the same gender expectations as you. I do think sometimes our culture throws out the baby with the bath water. We can have equality, but equality does not dictate sameness. To me, the ideal man is strong and protective, but he never uses his strength to dominate. He uses it to lead. He doesn't have to prove his manhood to anyone. He can show emotion and vulnerability when appropriate, but doesn't use it to manipulate. To me, the qualities of being a good human allow masculinity and femininity, at their best, to overlap quite a bit (like a Venn diagram). It's interesting you noted the influence of Little House on the Prairie. I watched it every week! The context of different times change, but human nature and the makeup of men and women does not. We can show the best of who we are regardless of the era we grow up in. I teach adolescents. It's a confusing time for young people, especially when many lack good role models. I always tell them, "The difference between a boy and a man, or a girl and a woman, is self-control--control over our minds, our emotions, and our bodies." I believe wholeheartedly that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. Sometimes that manifests a bit differently for a woman than for a man, but the result is the same: everyone is valued and respected. (Sorry, didn't mean to write so much).
Thank you so much for the response and there's no need to apologize! You could've written more as I am very interested in our female readers opinions. It's absolutely true that our generations views about gender roles are different. I love the sentence that we can have equality, but equality does not dictate sameness. There's much to be said for that opinion. It's not really popular to say that but I think it's true. A man never uses his strength to dominate, another great line and it made me think of one of the all-time greatest scenes in movie history from the movie "Rob Roy." This was in the 18th century and says much about how a man can be and should be. His wife is raped and gets pregnant, and he tells her he will raise that child as his own. The Venn diagram is so true! God made us to compliment and complete each other. Tom and I will eventually get into the mother's role in a son's life. I could be wrong about this, but I think the biggest responsibility is for a mother to teach her son how to treat women. But that's the role of a father too. I love the line about self-control. Emotions weren't something that were held in check in my home growing up. Losing self-control is childlike! That's so true! That's fantastic teaching advice for all of us to hear. Your students are blessed to have you.
"the ideal man is strong and protective, but he never uses his strength to dominate. He uses it to lead. He doesn't have to prove his manhood to anyone."
Hey, no need to apologize, I could have read more. This is a fantastic topic. I love what you wrote about self-control. Spot on.
Thank you. I’m just now re-engaging here at Substack after losing my Robert to a heart attack last Monday. A devastating blow.
But then I looked on here and saw all the kind messages from people here. Just what I needed to push through.
Robert was just the man I was thinking of when I wrote those words the other day. Our whole family and many friends will miss his guidance, protection, and fierce devotion.
Never underestimate the impact you have as a man on those around you.
I am truly sorry for your loss. If you feel the need to come here and talk, please do as often as you like. One day this adversary death will be defeated. You are in all of our thoughts and prayers.
William, having lived most of my life in fear, I totally understand where you're coming from. Men get shamed for being "too manly" or "too sensitive" depending on what society requires. A lot of toxic men did not have a father to teach them good values, or they had fathers who taught them the opposite. These are such hard times, and the lean towards ultimate masculinity hurts both men and women. Thanks for writing this.
That's a great observation and one that's so true. When men are taught well and masculinity is harnessed correctly, it's a win for all of us. Tom and I will be writing in the near future the role women have had in making us men as well.
I too believe that masculinity is an extremely important topic of our era.
Men being protectors is fabulous… especially when combined with genuine connection and respect. It’s not just a “do as I say” kind of protection people need or want, it is the “stand beside me, have my back, believe in me” that holds true power now.
Thank you so much for the response and input. I like the clarification and agree with it 100%. I always try to get to the reasons we've gotten to where we are today. I agree when the primary role is being fulfilled, being a true protector with connection and respect, that everything else will fall into place!
William, thank you for not sparing us this, and from bringing us into the world of masculinity through your eyes. It’s always helpful to me to see this kind of exchange between fathers and sons and between the generations. We need more of it. I resonated with alot of it but this line, “Maybe sometimes we put limits on people that are of our own making.” This line here hits deeper. I too have looked at older generations and excluded myself from the masculine club because I didn’t see a lot of the values inside me that existed in that generation, but that’s not because those values weren’t accessible to me or didn’t exist, they just weren’t what my generation taught me or how I was naturally wired (which I’m disputing because being raised primarily by a mother might have something to do with this as well). The world has grown accustomed to feminized fatherhood and has learned to rejected masculine fatherhood. And I am saying that as one who champions the kind of masculinity that knows how to hold both masculinity and femininity well. I so appreciate you calling us back to that in a simple question. “Who as a child didn’t want to feel protected?” I’ve quit my executive to create space for more conversations like this with men around the world. I’m releasing my first book on fatherhood this year that encapsulates a wider on masculinity and fatherhood. I hope to continue to read these letters between you and your son for a long time. I’ve had to rely on the fathering of other men since my dad passed and I think letters like these help to strengthen a son’s heart in the eventual absence of the father due to death. You’re preparing your son for a day that is inevitable and helping to father other men through that as well. That’s why I started writing. I wanted to father the world with my words.
Thank you so much for your response. Tom and I are trying to do some good and if we can help, we're overjoyed. I'm glad that the line about limits helped you. It's funny, because when I was 19 years old at the trade school I went to I always sought out the tough guys to be friends with. They never disappointed me as far as being a good friend. In that way I didn't put limits on people. There is definitely a voice in our culture about men and what is true masculinity. I think that's one of the reasons Jordan Peterson has struck a nerve with so many men. I think men, especially younger men know instinctively that something is wrong with the message they're hearing and desperately want a strong male role model to be a voice in their lives. Your line about feminized fatherhood is so true. This is where conversations do a lot of good. If you mean by that that a father shouldn't challenge his son and push him to be better because it's too hard, I agree 100%. Of course there is a proper way to do it, it takes a lot of encouraging and patience. A father needs to build his son's confidence and that requires nurturing as well. Like you alluded to, safety is what any child needs. It's the most basic thing any parent can give a child. But knowing how a boy thinks because I was one, there's just something about a father's protection that's different. I'm looking forward to that book! For you to quit what you were doing to pursue that is courageous and a great example for all of us.
That is a very strong prose to build on and a very wonderful experience and perspective that I needed when I was 19. It’s worth expanding on.
I wholeheartedly agree that our masculinity needs to be appropriately mothered and fathered well. There is something different and necessary about a father’s protection and I’ve only just begun to appreciate that and I hope it’s a theme I can explore some more through my writing.
I was talking to my therapist yesterday describing a rather serious experience where I felt taken advantage of, to say the least, and he said to me “I don’t like that, that makes me angry.” It made me pause and realize how rare of an experience it has been for me to feel “protected” by a father or father figure or other men in general. I knew that instinctively but not explicitly or even consciously.
What’s also interesting in my experience is that when I look back through my life the tough boys always sought me out and I never imagined myself to be anything remotely closely to rough and tough. I never gave them the benefit of the doubt to ask if there was something else they saw in me that resembled “strength” but I believe there was.
I have been able to expand my perspective of masculine strength and protection embodying both physical and emotional strength and I think they maybe something in me resembling courage and emotional strength - the ability to do what the boys of my generation did not see as cool and having the courage to not fit the mold until I was bullied into submission by the boys of my generation and started to lose that edge and that masculine part of me.
That is a very strong prose to build on and a very wonderful experience and perspective that I needed when I was 19. It’s worth expanding on.
Hello Darron!!
I will respond to your comments below
I wholeheartedly agree that our masculinity needs to be appropriately mothered and fathered well. There is something different and necessary about a father’s protection and I’ve only just begun to appreciate that and I hope it’s a theme I can explore some more through my writing.
That would be a great theme to explore, as many men are searching for that masculine role in their lives.
I was talking to my therapist yesterday describing a rather serious experience where I felt taken advantage of, to say the least, and he said to me “I don’t like that, that makes me angry.” It made me pause and realize how rare of an experience it has been for me to feel “protected” by a father or father figure or other men in general. I knew that instinctively but not explicitly or even consciously.
I know what you mean. I had a similar experience when I was going through my therapy. It's just a different feeling when it comes from a father figure. I'm not saying it's better I'm saying it's different.
What’s also interesting in my experience is that when I look back through my life the tough boys always sought me out and I never imagined myself to be anything
remotely closely to rough and tough. I never gave them the benefit of the doubt to ask if there was something else they saw in me that resembled “strength” but I believe there was.
I have been able to expand my perspective of masculine strength and protection embodying both physical and emotional strength and I think they maybe saw
something in me resembling courage and emotional strength - the ability to do what the boys of my generation did not see as cool and having the courage to not
fit the mold until I was bullied into submission by the boys of my generation and started to lose that edge and that masculine part of me.
Yes, I would agree that they saw a confidence in you. Kids do gravitate to what they see as strength. My son can relate to what you're saying about the bullying. It took him a while, but I think most of the time those voices are getting softer. But I'm very sorry that happened to you. Your story will help a lot of people when you're ready to tell it. Do you feel like you've gotten it back?
Thank you so much Michael. Tom has been very introspective and sincere since he was a boy. What you see with him is really what you get. He has a phenomenal mother that was also a huge influence in his life. As you can see, we're very proud and happy for him. Now he has a wife that has continued supporting him in all that he does, and we are so happy seeing that help him get even better.
I thought, ‘Wow, what a good read first thing in the morning with my morning brew.”
So many thoughts on the subject:
Men's mental health
The suicide rate in construction is 5x higher than that of other industries
The power of vulnerability
Defining a good man
The list goes on
The fear of failing is likely based on some unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves as providers.
Fear… Yeah, you are on to something there.
Your article resonated with me a ton. I’m one of those men born in 1964 and raised by a man born in 1930 who was raised by a man born before 1900. Man, there is some perspective.
Somewhere in the 1970s, a dude embezzled my folks' money. At the time, Dad, who was in his 50s, declared bankruptcy. I didn’t know it at the time, but he pumped gas just to pay the rent and fill the pantry.
I never saw a crack or a breakdown (that doesn’t mean there weren’t any, but as a kid, I never saw it). I did see a lot of “What does this need of me?” kind of action by him, though.
As I was venturing out in life as a youngster of 20, my dad gave me a book, Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude by W. Clement Stone and Napoleon Hill. It was an old, tattered, and worn book. Parts were underlined, and notes were in the margins, written in his angular writing. I smiled because it was like reading his journal.
Years later, after he passed, I discovered a notebook he used as a journal. It contained all sorts of thoughts and notes from the Success book. I never saw him write in a journal; it was something just for him, I suppose. I figured out that the journal and Success book were from around the time he was getting back on his feet.
Yes, he was an example of a good man. But us kids never say the burden he carried.
A heavy weight indeed.
You know it’s a good read when all those fantastic memories come flooding back. Now I must go catch up on your other letters. 👊
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. The stat on men in construction is sobering to say the least and worth exploring. I did it briefly in my early 20s and it's no picnic. The whole environment is nothing but a pressure cooker for those men. Hopefully they get the help they need.
The fact is that we are far more likely to commit suicide across the board. It's a national epidemic that I'm sure you know about.
We have a lot in common as far as our father and grandfather. I want to get into that in an upcoming letter as well. It was somewhat of a fascinating thing to see. My grandfather being a German immigrant complicated it somewhat.
What a terrible story about your poor parents! My goodness they were incredible people, and he was an amazing man. That would've broken most men and made them very bitter. To pump gas to make ends meet, that was one tough man.
And a giving man at that, looking out for ways to help people. You had a great example of what a man is and what a father is supposed to be.
I will have to check out that book! It's so cool that he put notes in it. I will be looking forward to hearing from you Craig
I appreciate this thoughtful take on masculinity--especially as I am not a man, and can't fully understand your struggles. I am exactly the same age--61, and have grown up with basically the same gender expectations as you. I do think sometimes our culture throws out the baby with the bath water. We can have equality, but equality does not dictate sameness. To me, the ideal man is strong and protective, but he never uses his strength to dominate. He uses it to lead. He doesn't have to prove his manhood to anyone. He can show emotion and vulnerability when appropriate, but doesn't use it to manipulate. To me, the qualities of being a good human allow masculinity and femininity, at their best, to overlap quite a bit (like a Venn diagram). It's interesting you noted the influence of Little House on the Prairie. I watched it every week! The context of different times change, but human nature and the makeup of men and women does not. We can show the best of who we are regardless of the era we grow up in. I teach adolescents. It's a confusing time for young people, especially when many lack good role models. I always tell them, "The difference between a boy and a man, or a girl and a woman, is self-control--control over our minds, our emotions, and our bodies." I believe wholeheartedly that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. Sometimes that manifests a bit differently for a woman than for a man, but the result is the same: everyone is valued and respected. (Sorry, didn't mean to write so much).
Hello Joyce!
Thank you so much for the response and there's no need to apologize! You could've written more as I am very interested in our female readers opinions. It's absolutely true that our generations views about gender roles are different. I love the sentence that we can have equality, but equality does not dictate sameness. There's much to be said for that opinion. It's not really popular to say that but I think it's true. A man never uses his strength to dominate, another great line and it made me think of one of the all-time greatest scenes in movie history from the movie "Rob Roy." This was in the 18th century and says much about how a man can be and should be. His wife is raped and gets pregnant, and he tells her he will raise that child as his own. The Venn diagram is so true! God made us to compliment and complete each other. Tom and I will eventually get into the mother's role in a son's life. I could be wrong about this, but I think the biggest responsibility is for a mother to teach her son how to treat women. But that's the role of a father too. I love the line about self-control. Emotions weren't something that were held in check in my home growing up. Losing self-control is childlike! That's so true! That's fantastic teaching advice for all of us to hear. Your students are blessed to have you.
Rob Roy - great movie and that is an excellent analogy.
Hey Joyce, You nailed it there.
"the ideal man is strong and protective, but he never uses his strength to dominate. He uses it to lead. He doesn't have to prove his manhood to anyone."
Hey, no need to apologize, I could have read more. This is a fantastic topic. I love what you wrote about self-control. Spot on.
Thank you. I’m just now re-engaging here at Substack after losing my Robert to a heart attack last Monday. A devastating blow.
But then I looked on here and saw all the kind messages from people here. Just what I needed to push through.
Robert was just the man I was thinking of when I wrote those words the other day. Our whole family and many friends will miss his guidance, protection, and fierce devotion.
Never underestimate the impact you have as a man on those around you.
Hello Joyce.
I am truly sorry for your loss. If you feel the need to come here and talk, please do as often as you like. One day this adversary death will be defeated. You are in all of our thoughts and prayers.
Oh man, my heart goes out to you girl. It sounds like you had a very good man there. 💜
He will indeed be missed.
William, having lived most of my life in fear, I totally understand where you're coming from. Men get shamed for being "too manly" or "too sensitive" depending on what society requires. A lot of toxic men did not have a father to teach them good values, or they had fathers who taught them the opposite. These are such hard times, and the lean towards ultimate masculinity hurts both men and women. Thanks for writing this.
Hello Glenna,
That's a great observation and one that's so true. When men are taught well and masculinity is harnessed correctly, it's a win for all of us. Tom and I will be writing in the near future the role women have had in making us men as well.
Powerful letters between the two of you.
I too believe that masculinity is an extremely important topic of our era.
Men being protectors is fabulous… especially when combined with genuine connection and respect. It’s not just a “do as I say” kind of protection people need or want, it is the “stand beside me, have my back, believe in me” that holds true power now.
Hello Teyani,
Thank you so much for the response and input. I like the clarification and agree with it 100%. I always try to get to the reasons we've gotten to where we are today. I agree when the primary role is being fulfilled, being a true protector with connection and respect, that everything else will fall into place!
William, thank you for not sparing us this, and from bringing us into the world of masculinity through your eyes. It’s always helpful to me to see this kind of exchange between fathers and sons and between the generations. We need more of it. I resonated with alot of it but this line, “Maybe sometimes we put limits on people that are of our own making.” This line here hits deeper. I too have looked at older generations and excluded myself from the masculine club because I didn’t see a lot of the values inside me that existed in that generation, but that’s not because those values weren’t accessible to me or didn’t exist, they just weren’t what my generation taught me or how I was naturally wired (which I’m disputing because being raised primarily by a mother might have something to do with this as well). The world has grown accustomed to feminized fatherhood and has learned to rejected masculine fatherhood. And I am saying that as one who champions the kind of masculinity that knows how to hold both masculinity and femininity well. I so appreciate you calling us back to that in a simple question. “Who as a child didn’t want to feel protected?” I’ve quit my executive to create space for more conversations like this with men around the world. I’m releasing my first book on fatherhood this year that encapsulates a wider on masculinity and fatherhood. I hope to continue to read these letters between you and your son for a long time. I’ve had to rely on the fathering of other men since my dad passed and I think letters like these help to strengthen a son’s heart in the eventual absence of the father due to death. You’re preparing your son for a day that is inevitable and helping to father other men through that as well. That’s why I started writing. I wanted to father the world with my words.
Hello Darron!
Thank you so much for your response. Tom and I are trying to do some good and if we can help, we're overjoyed. I'm glad that the line about limits helped you. It's funny, because when I was 19 years old at the trade school I went to I always sought out the tough guys to be friends with. They never disappointed me as far as being a good friend. In that way I didn't put limits on people. There is definitely a voice in our culture about men and what is true masculinity. I think that's one of the reasons Jordan Peterson has struck a nerve with so many men. I think men, especially younger men know instinctively that something is wrong with the message they're hearing and desperately want a strong male role model to be a voice in their lives. Your line about feminized fatherhood is so true. This is where conversations do a lot of good. If you mean by that that a father shouldn't challenge his son and push him to be better because it's too hard, I agree 100%. Of course there is a proper way to do it, it takes a lot of encouraging and patience. A father needs to build his son's confidence and that requires nurturing as well. Like you alluded to, safety is what any child needs. It's the most basic thing any parent can give a child. But knowing how a boy thinks because I was one, there's just something about a father's protection that's different. I'm looking forward to that book! For you to quit what you were doing to pursue that is courageous and a great example for all of us.
Thank you again Darron
That is a very strong prose to build on and a very wonderful experience and perspective that I needed when I was 19. It’s worth expanding on.
I wholeheartedly agree that our masculinity needs to be appropriately mothered and fathered well. There is something different and necessary about a father’s protection and I’ve only just begun to appreciate that and I hope it’s a theme I can explore some more through my writing.
I was talking to my therapist yesterday describing a rather serious experience where I felt taken advantage of, to say the least, and he said to me “I don’t like that, that makes me angry.” It made me pause and realize how rare of an experience it has been for me to feel “protected” by a father or father figure or other men in general. I knew that instinctively but not explicitly or even consciously.
What’s also interesting in my experience is that when I look back through my life the tough boys always sought me out and I never imagined myself to be anything remotely closely to rough and tough. I never gave them the benefit of the doubt to ask if there was something else they saw in me that resembled “strength” but I believe there was.
I have been able to expand my perspective of masculine strength and protection embodying both physical and emotional strength and I think they maybe something in me resembling courage and emotional strength - the ability to do what the boys of my generation did not see as cool and having the courage to not fit the mold until I was bullied into submission by the boys of my generation and started to lose that edge and that masculine part of me.
That is a very strong prose to build on and a very wonderful experience and perspective that I needed when I was 19. It’s worth expanding on.
Hello Darron!!
I will respond to your comments below
I wholeheartedly agree that our masculinity needs to be appropriately mothered and fathered well. There is something different and necessary about a father’s protection and I’ve only just begun to appreciate that and I hope it’s a theme I can explore some more through my writing.
That would be a great theme to explore, as many men are searching for that masculine role in their lives.
I was talking to my therapist yesterday describing a rather serious experience where I felt taken advantage of, to say the least, and he said to me “I don’t like that, that makes me angry.” It made me pause and realize how rare of an experience it has been for me to feel “protected” by a father or father figure or other men in general. I knew that instinctively but not explicitly or even consciously.
I know what you mean. I had a similar experience when I was going through my therapy. It's just a different feeling when it comes from a father figure. I'm not saying it's better I'm saying it's different.
What’s also interesting in my experience is that when I look back through my life the tough boys always sought me out and I never imagined myself to be anything
remotely closely to rough and tough. I never gave them the benefit of the doubt to ask if there was something else they saw in me that resembled “strength” but I believe there was.
I have been able to expand my perspective of masculine strength and protection embodying both physical and emotional strength and I think they maybe saw
something in me resembling courage and emotional strength - the ability to do what the boys of my generation did not see as cool and having the courage to not
fit the mold until I was bullied into submission by the boys of my generation and started to lose that edge and that masculine part of me.
Yes, I would agree that they saw a confidence in you. Kids do gravitate to what they see as strength. My son can relate to what you're saying about the bullying. It took him a while, but I think most of the time those voices are getting softer. But I'm very sorry that happened to you. Your story will help a lot of people when you're ready to tell it. Do you feel like you've gotten it back?
Good article, Mr. Kugler! I can see where Tom gets his talent from! 🙂
Thank you so much Michael. Tom has been very introspective and sincere since he was a boy. What you see with him is really what you get. He has a phenomenal mother that was also a huge influence in his life. As you can see, we're very proud and happy for him. Now he has a wife that has continued supporting him in all that he does, and we are so happy seeing that help him get even better.
Enjoyed every bit of it
I thought, ‘Wow, what a good read first thing in the morning with my morning brew.”
So many thoughts on the subject:
Men's mental health
The suicide rate in construction is 5x higher than that of other industries
The power of vulnerability
Defining a good man
The list goes on
The fear of failing is likely based on some unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves as providers.
Fear… Yeah, you are on to something there.
Your article resonated with me a ton. I’m one of those men born in 1964 and raised by a man born in 1930 who was raised by a man born before 1900. Man, there is some perspective.
Somewhere in the 1970s, a dude embezzled my folks' money. At the time, Dad, who was in his 50s, declared bankruptcy. I didn’t know it at the time, but he pumped gas just to pay the rent and fill the pantry.
I never saw a crack or a breakdown (that doesn’t mean there weren’t any, but as a kid, I never saw it). I did see a lot of “What does this need of me?” kind of action by him, though.
As I was venturing out in life as a youngster of 20, my dad gave me a book, Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude by W. Clement Stone and Napoleon Hill. It was an old, tattered, and worn book. Parts were underlined, and notes were in the margins, written in his angular writing. I smiled because it was like reading his journal.
Years later, after he passed, I discovered a notebook he used as a journal. It contained all sorts of thoughts and notes from the Success book. I never saw him write in a journal; it was something just for him, I suppose. I figured out that the journal and Success book were from around the time he was getting back on his feet.
Yes, he was an example of a good man. But us kids never say the burden he carried.
A heavy weight indeed.
You know it’s a good read when all those fantastic memories come flooding back. Now I must go catch up on your other letters. 👊
Hello Craig,
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. The stat on men in construction is sobering to say the least and worth exploring. I did it briefly in my early 20s and it's no picnic. The whole environment is nothing but a pressure cooker for those men. Hopefully they get the help they need.
The fact is that we are far more likely to commit suicide across the board. It's a national epidemic that I'm sure you know about.
We have a lot in common as far as our father and grandfather. I want to get into that in an upcoming letter as well. It was somewhat of a fascinating thing to see. My grandfather being a German immigrant complicated it somewhat.
What a terrible story about your poor parents! My goodness they were incredible people, and he was an amazing man. That would've broken most men and made them very bitter. To pump gas to make ends meet, that was one tough man.
And a giving man at that, looking out for ways to help people. You had a great example of what a man is and what a father is supposed to be.
I will have to check out that book! It's so cool that he put notes in it. I will be looking forward to hearing from you Craig
Yeah, I was blessed with a good dad. A good example of a good man for sure.