The weight of inherited masculinity
Letter #36
Hello Tom,
Wow!! What a letter and it provoked so many thoughts.
Thank you for the apology, after I thought about it for a while, I struggled somewhat. I think there’s another thing to think about and consider. One of the things I think that needs to change in this culture is the ability to not be offended. We should be able to take things on the chin sometimes and to not take it so personally. If in your mind you feel sorry for conservatives, you should be able to express that without fear. That’s what these letters are supposed to be about. The ability to bring up any topic and discuss it without fear of repercussion. Then we can dissect the why’s. If we get offended that easy it makes for an atmosphere of holding back, and we don’t want that. But I do appreciate your apology, and I know that has a lot to do with the topic of the letter as well, as it is an important part of your observation when it comes to men.
Having said all that, I want to remind you and our reading family that when we discuss these topics there’s no way to offer a lot of specifics when the letter is written. We can and will expound certain points in the following letters. This letter is probably going to have some controversial opinions but please give me the benefit of the doubt to give more specificity in following letters.
So now onto the meat of the topic that you brought up.
The crushing burden of masculinity.
This topic is going to take some time to explore and I’m really looking forward to it!
Having spent so many years being a man and observing men, I definitely have some insights that are unique to me—like it would be for anyone.
It’s funny because as fate would have it, this week brought so many challenges that caused me to reflect even deeper on all the excellent points and questions of your letter.
I remind you that I was born in 1963, raised by a father that was born in 1937, who was raised by a father born in 1900. And a German one at that. Most of the men I was around growing up were born in this time frame of the 1930s to 1940s. So, this is my time frame and reference point that I’ll be drawing from and then trying to contrast with your generation. It’s very interesting that when you research the differences between men in the decades of the 1930-60s there was little to no differences in the way we acted. More on this in the next letter.
So, onto the topic of loneliness and vulnerability. I think it has been somewhat more acceptable in this day and age for a man to show those traits. However, from what you wrote it seems like there are still roadblocks in this area.
Let’s try to get into some of the why’s.
I think there is still this idea that men are supposed to be the stronger sex.
At the age of 61 I’ve had a long time to contemplate this. It will be interesting to hear what our female reading family has to say about this. As it will our younger male family.
For years this idea of being John Wayne is still very much in my generation’s thoughts. Recently, with all the pushback against toxic masculinity, I think to some degree we have thrown the baby out with the bath water.
Dad’s generation was all about working hard to support the family. Many of the men of that generation had 2 jobs. They were strong men in that sense. They didn’t whine at all. They just did their jobs. I’m talking about hard jobs! Working at Bethlehem Steel like my dad in conditions that were hard as hell. We’re talking blast furnaces and machine shops with no air conditioning in a factory that was hot as Dante’s Inferno in the summertime. Welding off the side of a ship in the wintertime with wind chills close to zero hours at a time.
As I have gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate what they did. They were John Wayne in the sense that us kids never had to worry about being taken care of. I never saw emotional outbursts from a man that couldn’t handle pressure in that specific part of his life. In that sense we knew they had us, dad was tough and strong and could handle it.
Can we admit that there is in all of us a yearning to feel safe as a child? I may be old fashioned, but I very much like the idea of protecting women and children, I think it’s in many men’s DNA. Maybe in many men of my generation and before, the idea of showing weakness was a chink in the armor we didn’t want our family to see. We worried that perhaps it may make them feel less safe.
I was watching a documentary years ago about General Douglass MacArthur and one of his staff members said this when asked about the General’s ego:
“Well, how would you like to go into battle with a man with an inferiority complex?”
That made a real impression on me as a young man in my 20s. It reinforced to me the idea that a man shouldn’t show weakness.
As I was contemplating this letter, I thought about all the influences I had growing up and this includes entertainment. I think one of the first times I saw that it was Ok for a man to be emotional was in the family TV show “Little House on the Prairie.” The character of Charles Ingalls, so wonderfully played by Michael Landon, burst my bubble to a large degree. I really was given a new example of masculinity. Here was a man that had all the qualities we admire, determination and hard work and toughness as he was no pushover. But a new quality emerged in this character that shook my world view, and I think stayed with me the rest of my life.
He wasn’t afraid to show his emotions and that included crying when the situation called for it. He shared what was inside him with his wife, and his children always knew they could approach him with any problem. He wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, he wasn’t afraid to show love and very often did.
All these things are like pieces of a puzzle that come together to shape a man.
Then as the years go by you might forget about the different influences but many times you come full circle and remember something that sets you on the right path again.
Maybe men need to have more discussions on what it truly means to be a man. Because let’s face it and be truthful, when it comes to most of us, we live with something many times that can consume us. It’s called fear. It scares us so bad that many of us become posers and never allow anyone to see the real man because of fear of failure. For me at least this has been the biggest opponent I fight most every day.
It manifested itself again this week at work and culminated in a terrible day at work this past Friday. I want to constantly take on everything and do everything and conquer and subdue everything. When this gets threatened, and I feel like I can’t live up to expectations I put on myself and from what I think are expectations from others, it’s terrifying.
Why?
Because I’m letting my job define my value as a person. Now don’t get me wrong, we should absolutely do our best at any job, but when this crosses a line into a deep rabbit hole that many of us know is unhealthy, it’s time to stop and take a breath and get re-grounded.
Secondly, it calls into question my own manhood and that’s probably even more terrifying. I don’t think most men and especially American men deal well with defeat. As General Patton said, “Americans love a winner, and will not tolerate a loser.”
These are the kind of voices I’ve heard my entire life. I don’t know that this is a uniquely American thing, as no man likes losing, in fact no one likes losing. But I do think that one of the casualties of this performance-based system we live in can very easily get tied up in our self-worth and define all that we are. And that’s simply not true.
When we get overwhelmed to the point that we retreat into a shell and are afraid to share the pain or vulnerability that doesn’t lead to anything good. In my life I’ve lived and worked amongst blue collar men. I’m talking tough men. Battle hardened Vietnam Vets and guys from the toughest areas of Baltimore city. I’m here to tell you that they love their wives and children and have their priorities right. And when I got to the point when I wanted to share vulnerability or fear with these men, I can tell you I was never judged or made to feel less then. Maybe sometimes we put limits on people that are of our own making. So, my brothers, try it. Lay it all out there with a man that you’ve gotten to know. You may be very surprised at the result.
You mentioned that 15% of men are lonely and are basically leading lives of quiet desperation. What can we do to change that? How can we help so many of our fellow brothers rise above this.
This is where many of the norms need to change, and I agree with you 100%.
Can we as men just stop with the damn charade of having it all together and show some vulnerability and just come alongside of other men and admit that we all are afraid and that this is the human experience for most of us?
I’ve known so many men that allowed this fear to consume them to the point of taking their lives. There needs to be a safe forum and place we can all go to get the encouragement we need.
After all it’s not the fear that defines us, it’s the ability to stand up to the fear and fight it. I need to remember this myself and practice what I preach. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, but as long as I’m in this life, I will battle to my last dying breath the fear that tries to consume me.
In some categories I’ve played it safe in my life. I still wrestle with this at times. But I’ve tried to at least maintain my focus of loving my family. If I can look at myself at the end of my life and have accomplished that goal, I think I’ve been a success. If I’ve been successful at my job at the expense of my family and friends, I’ve missed the whole point.
Tom. I want to continue to expound on this theme for a while and I’m looking forward to covering so many other areas when it comes to this topic.
I appreciate this thoughtful take on masculinity--especially as I am not a man, and can't fully understand your struggles. I am exactly the same age--61, and have grown up with basically the same gender expectations as you. I do think sometimes our culture throws out the baby with the bath water. We can have equality, but equality does not dictate sameness. To me, the ideal man is strong and protective, but he never uses his strength to dominate. He uses it to lead. He doesn't have to prove his manhood to anyone. He can show emotion and vulnerability when appropriate, but doesn't use it to manipulate. To me, the qualities of being a good human allow masculinity and femininity, at their best, to overlap quite a bit (like a Venn diagram). It's interesting you noted the influence of Little House on the Prairie. I watched it every week! The context of different times change, but human nature and the makeup of men and women does not. We can show the best of who we are regardless of the era we grow up in. I teach adolescents. It's a confusing time for young people, especially when many lack good role models. I always tell them, "The difference between a boy and a man, or a girl and a woman, is self-control--control over our minds, our emotions, and our bodies." I believe wholeheartedly that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. Sometimes that manifests a bit differently for a woman than for a man, but the result is the same: everyone is valued and respected. (Sorry, didn't mean to write so much).
William, having lived most of my life in fear, I totally understand where you're coming from. Men get shamed for being "too manly" or "too sensitive" depending on what society requires. A lot of toxic men did not have a father to teach them good values, or they had fathers who taught them the opposite. These are such hard times, and the lean towards ultimate masculinity hurts both men and women. Thanks for writing this.