Dear William, As a therapist who has worked with patients who have a high suicidal ideation, I speak with a well educated heart, and tell you that : there is nothing you could have done to prevent his suicide. As horrible as that may be to hear, it is the truth. People who are suicidal to the degree of acting on that thought are masters at hiding their emotions and pain. No one would have seen it coming.
Suicide comes from a place of just wanting the pain to stop. And yes, it is a horrid permanent decision from pain that with time and great effort and often medication could be lessened. Most people who are suicidal do not have the clarity of mind to even see that there are options that might help. I can safely reassure you that even if you had spent time with James every day and listened to his fabrications in his current world and pain from his history, you didn't have the training nor the ability to help him over this abyss. Please do not punish yourself while facing your grief.
I have worked for 30+ years in this field, and I have great compassion for the people left behind after suicide. You deserve help processing this sorrowful event. Please reach out to a professional.
And if, that is not possible, write about it more. There are many of us who care here on Substack.
I've known more than my fair share of people that have done this. 2 families my wife and I knew had 2 adult children do this in the same family! I can't imagine those poor parents. I can understand the overwhelming hopelessness. I really can. I had OCD for 13 years that took every fiber of my being to overcome. There's nothing worse than being a prisoner in your own mind.
I didn't stress professional help like I should've. For me it was a multi-faceted attack. including therapy for over 10 years. Thank you so much for your kind words and for helping me see that there wasn't much of anything I could've done.
It is so sad how common this is. Abuse is an epidemic underlying so much of the disorders, pain, and substance use I see in my practice. And I know it contributed to my father's death by suicide. I am sorry to read of this loss, but it is important to speak about it, to help us all be aware and support people in their healing journey, if they're willing. There is a quote (I am unsure if it's Van der Kolk or Mate, maybe?) about trauma effects in the brain: what is supposed to be wired for connection becomes wired for protection, and this changes the course of people's lives. Thank you for sharing this story. Deepest condolences.
This is probably the biggest reason Tom and i decided to do this. Everyday life and it's challenges. To have our reading family participate was part of the plan. If we can all help to save lives from this terrible epidemic that's so rewarding. Thank you for your wisdom!
I’m deeply empathetic and appreciative for your wisdom. Im deeply sorrowful of this loss.
At your age of 60, and as smart, caring, aware and having dealt with your own circumstances, I desire space for you to move through your upset —your past inability to forgive dishonesty -and trust you’ll move into self-compassion.
Thank you. My heart and thoughts are with you and the family —may there be renewal and blessings.
A story I hear often in my practice. Sadly. Why do adults think they can do this to their children??? What made that person into an abuser? I struggle to find compassion. Though I do try.
Thank you for writing about it.
From all points of view and people - you, James, his mother, the stepfather, the brother and the wider family now dealing with the bomb of suicide in its structure .
Mental health matters. It is a community responsibility as well as a personal one.
I wish I knew about the abuse that's handed down. Many people don't repeat the pattern. But the ones that do I'll never understand. I agree with you that it is all our responsibility to help in any way we can.
Thank you for sharing this story, although a very painful one. I am the youngest of three children and it was always made clear to me that my family did not want a 3rd child. My 2 older sisters hated me. But my mother was the true monster in the family. Because of her abusive behavior in so many different ways. When I told my father over and over again what my mother was doing, he refused to believe me, but he knew the truth and he didn't stop her or my sisters. He actually called me a liar. The first time I felt suicidal I had just turned 11 years old. What drove that was because my uncle had abused me and when I told my parents about it they did nothing and it was never talked about. My sisters moved away and I was the only one left at home. Then my life really became a living hell.
I don't mean to go on about my situation, but this is all to say that it takes a tremendous amount of strength and determination to stay alive. There were more times when I wanted to commit suicide but something stopped me. I now think that it was God. There was no one else helping me through it. I did go to therapy when I could afford it and that helped. But it does take a strength that I now believe only God can provide. I honestly don't know how I am still alive to tell this except by the help of God. I was mad at God for a few decades because I felt he should have done something about the situation, but then I was enlightened and realized it was not His fault. It is people who are abusers who are at fault.
I'm very glad I have God in my life. He has truly saved me. Otherwise I would not be alive today.
I'm sorry to take up so much space but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. It is a very very painful way to live and ending the pain permanently is very alluring. Suicide is always an option for ending the pain. Some people choose that option. It is a very personal decision. Even when other people are trying to help, some people still choose suicide because the pain can be unbearable.
I pray you turn to God for comfort and to therapy for grief support.
First of all, let me say praise God that you endured with the Lord's help. I'm really at a loss for words but I mean it when I say that you are a testimony to all of us about the hellish realities of this life and the ability to rise above it and to decide to live. I thank God that you said NO to suicide. You are correct, it's very hard at times to reconcile all the pain in this world with an eternal purpose. Like you I've done a lot of work trying to learn the why's. But you came to the best conclusion anyone can come to. It wasn't God that did this to you, it was sinful people.
Your story is one that is beyond horrible. I'm aghast at times to see the depravity in human beings. But then again, I'm just as amazed to see the ability we can have for good as well. Your story is an example to all of us that these things can be overcome. I'd venture to say that one of the reasons you were put on this earth is to help people overcome and to LIVE!!
Thank you for your example, your life is a beautiful example of what can be accomplished in spite of the brutality.
Thank you so much, Bill, for your kind and encouraging words. It means a great deal to me. And I am grateful that you are here at Substack. I would say that God brought you and me to this moment to encourage each other. Thank you, again. May God bless you and keep you in His care.
Dear William, As a therapist who has worked with patients who have a high suicidal ideation, I speak with a well educated heart, and tell you that : there is nothing you could have done to prevent his suicide. As horrible as that may be to hear, it is the truth. People who are suicidal to the degree of acting on that thought are masters at hiding their emotions and pain. No one would have seen it coming.
Suicide comes from a place of just wanting the pain to stop. And yes, it is a horrid permanent decision from pain that with time and great effort and often medication could be lessened. Most people who are suicidal do not have the clarity of mind to even see that there are options that might help. I can safely reassure you that even if you had spent time with James every day and listened to his fabrications in his current world and pain from his history, you didn't have the training nor the ability to help him over this abyss. Please do not punish yourself while facing your grief.
I have worked for 30+ years in this field, and I have great compassion for the people left behind after suicide. You deserve help processing this sorrowful event. Please reach out to a professional.
And if, that is not possible, write about it more. There are many of us who care here on Substack.
Hello Teyani,
I've known more than my fair share of people that have done this. 2 families my wife and I knew had 2 adult children do this in the same family! I can't imagine those poor parents. I can understand the overwhelming hopelessness. I really can. I had OCD for 13 years that took every fiber of my being to overcome. There's nothing worse than being a prisoner in your own mind.
I didn't stress professional help like I should've. For me it was a multi-faceted attack. including therapy for over 10 years. Thank you so much for your kind words and for helping me see that there wasn't much of anything I could've done.
" The fallout from abuse is real. But once we become an adult it’s our responsibility to get the help we need to be able to overcome it."
This 👏🏽
It is so sad how common this is. Abuse is an epidemic underlying so much of the disorders, pain, and substance use I see in my practice. And I know it contributed to my father's death by suicide. I am sorry to read of this loss, but it is important to speak about it, to help us all be aware and support people in their healing journey, if they're willing. There is a quote (I am unsure if it's Van der Kolk or Mate, maybe?) about trauma effects in the brain: what is supposed to be wired for connection becomes wired for protection, and this changes the course of people's lives. Thank you for sharing this story. Deepest condolences.
Hello Tricia,
This is probably the biggest reason Tom and i decided to do this. Everyday life and it's challenges. To have our reading family participate was part of the plan. If we can all help to save lives from this terrible epidemic that's so rewarding. Thank you for your wisdom!
I’m deeply empathetic and appreciative for your wisdom. Im deeply sorrowful of this loss.
At your age of 60, and as smart, caring, aware and having dealt with your own circumstances, I desire space for you to move through your upset —your past inability to forgive dishonesty -and trust you’ll move into self-compassion.
Thank you. My heart and thoughts are with you and the family —may there be renewal and blessings.
Hello Rose,
Thank you so much. Yes, it will take some time to navigate through it. People like you are a big help.
A story I hear often in my practice. Sadly. Why do adults think they can do this to their children??? What made that person into an abuser? I struggle to find compassion. Though I do try.
Thank you for writing about it.
From all points of view and people - you, James, his mother, the stepfather, the brother and the wider family now dealing with the bomb of suicide in its structure .
Mental health matters. It is a community responsibility as well as a personal one.
Hello Elizabeth,
I wish I knew about the abuse that's handed down. Many people don't repeat the pattern. But the ones that do I'll never understand. I agree with you that it is all our responsibility to help in any way we can.
Thank you for your response
Thank you for sharing this story, although a very painful one. I am the youngest of three children and it was always made clear to me that my family did not want a 3rd child. My 2 older sisters hated me. But my mother was the true monster in the family. Because of her abusive behavior in so many different ways. When I told my father over and over again what my mother was doing, he refused to believe me, but he knew the truth and he didn't stop her or my sisters. He actually called me a liar. The first time I felt suicidal I had just turned 11 years old. What drove that was because my uncle had abused me and when I told my parents about it they did nothing and it was never talked about. My sisters moved away and I was the only one left at home. Then my life really became a living hell.
I don't mean to go on about my situation, but this is all to say that it takes a tremendous amount of strength and determination to stay alive. There were more times when I wanted to commit suicide but something stopped me. I now think that it was God. There was no one else helping me through it. I did go to therapy when I could afford it and that helped. But it does take a strength that I now believe only God can provide. I honestly don't know how I am still alive to tell this except by the help of God. I was mad at God for a few decades because I felt he should have done something about the situation, but then I was enlightened and realized it was not His fault. It is people who are abusers who are at fault.
I'm very glad I have God in my life. He has truly saved me. Otherwise I would not be alive today.
I'm sorry to take up so much space but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. It is a very very painful way to live and ending the pain permanently is very alluring. Suicide is always an option for ending the pain. Some people choose that option. It is a very personal decision. Even when other people are trying to help, some people still choose suicide because the pain can be unbearable.
I pray you turn to God for comfort and to therapy for grief support.
Bill Kuegler
just now
Hello Jennie!!
First of all, let me say praise God that you endured with the Lord's help. I'm really at a loss for words but I mean it when I say that you are a testimony to all of us about the hellish realities of this life and the ability to rise above it and to decide to live. I thank God that you said NO to suicide. You are correct, it's very hard at times to reconcile all the pain in this world with an eternal purpose. Like you I've done a lot of work trying to learn the why's. But you came to the best conclusion anyone can come to. It wasn't God that did this to you, it was sinful people.
Your story is one that is beyond horrible. I'm aghast at times to see the depravity in human beings. But then again, I'm just as amazed to see the ability we can have for good as well. Your story is an example to all of us that these things can be overcome. I'd venture to say that one of the reasons you were put on this earth is to help people overcome and to LIVE!!
Thank you for your example, your life is a beautiful example of what can be accomplished in spite of the brutality.
Your life is precious.
Thank you so much, Bill, for your kind and encouraging words. It means a great deal to me. And I am grateful that you are here at Substack. I would say that God brought you and me to this moment to encourage each other. Thank you, again. May God bless you and keep you in His care.