Coming To Terms With A Family Member's Suicide

Letter #23

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Hello Tom,

I do want to give you feedback on your latest letter but as you know a recent event has left me very somber.

Another person I know has taken their life. At the age of 51.

My nephew and your cousin let’s call him James.

I got the news a few weeks ago from my frantic niece. “Uncle Billy you need to sit down before I tell you this, James killed himself last night.”

It seems that James third marriage was in dire straits. He had a lot of money issues in spite of a very good salary. He was having continual problems with two teenage children that were pretty messed up from his second marriage to their mother. That was a continual source of extreme stress for him.

When it looked like the third marriage was coming to an end, he must’ve snapped.

But let me back up for a minute and tell you some things about James that you may not know.

I met James when he was nine years old. He was a fun-loving boy. It seemed at the time that he had a nice life. His mother and stepfather were well to do, seemed to be grounded well. Having money caused James to be able to have a lot of toys at his fingertips, dirt bikes, any video game at his disposal, supposedly living in a “Christian home.” He really seemed to be a well-adjusted boy.

One of my fondest memories of James is a day trip mom and I took him on to Harpers Ferry. I had just bought a new Ford Escort and on the way there we let him steer the car from the backseat. He was so happy, and I can still see his face. He had that innocent pure happiness that only a child can display.

We took James to movies, took him with us many times to different excursions. He was a lot of fun and just good natured.

Then to our shock a few years later he told us that all was not well in his home. In fact, the poor boy was in a living hell. As you know James has a younger brother that we will call Shawn. The stories of horror these two boys were living made mom and I sick to our stomachs. We were both 20 years old when we first heard this. We told both boys that this was going to end, that we were going to call the authorities.

The turn that took and how it worked out is a whole other story I won’t get into at this time. Let’s just say that the end purpose was achieved, and the boys were released from living in that environment.

But the damage was done. Their mother knew about the abuse and didn’t do a damn thing to stop it. Now I want to be careful here, as their stepfather was an absolute monster. But their mother knew about this and looked the other way for years because her security was more important than her own sons. How many times do we have to hear that story repeated? It’s more common than we think.

James and Shawn were both wounded in a way that would ruin both their lives, understandably so. In the case of James, it manifested itself in a life of cheating on his first two wives. I feel in some degree due to the abuse. James could function in society as far as work and being a decent citizen. But other baggage that came with his dysfunctional upbringing was a dishonest streak in other areas of his life. He went so far as to even mistreat his grandmother on a financial decision she made that he was supposedly “helping” her with. The older he got the more this trait would show itself.

That and an extreme materialism. New cars, motorcycles, video games were basically his life.

I’m smart enough to know at the age of 60 that this was all a cover for extreme pain. James would always try to cover it by acting like he was just fine. He more often than not would have what is known to be a “crap eating grin” on his face.

As the years went on and he got older we kind of fell out of his life. I have to be honest Tom; I lost a great deal of respect for him.

I don’t like dishonesty. I don’t think anyone does.

I think this is where I messed up. My feeling about victims of abuse is this. And let me say being a victim myself I speak from authority.

The fallout from abuse is real. But once we become an adult it’s our responsibility to get the help we need to be able to overcome it.

I have compassion here too, because not everyone has the ability to do this. The human spirit is frail and not all of us can win this struggle. It’s tricky because another part of me says that on the other hand we’re also very resilient and if we want it bad enough, we can win the struggle.

But human beings are a complicated lot, me included.

A few years ago, I did talk to James about his abuse at the hands of his stepfather. He surprisingly opened up to me. He told me it was a living hell and that it was far worse than I imagined. There was a lot of hero in James too, as he tried to shield his younger brother Shawn from it all. I asked him if he ever confronted his mother about her lack of intervention, he told me he did but that “she didn’t like it.”

You know Tom, there is a great deal of healing that can be done when a parent takes responsibility and shows true remorse. Especially in this situation. James needed her to not only show remorse but to do it with heartfelt tears and a groaning from her spirit that really displayed true sorrow.

Not that this would’ve healed it all but it sure would’ve been a start.

This was a human being here, her son! He deserved the protection of his mother of all people! This was a dehumanizing miserable failure that wrecked two lives!

Oh my soul!

I saw James on and off through the years. He wrote a nice tribute to mom and me on Facebook that was very kind.

I needed to stay in touch with him. I needed to continue to draw more things out of him. But I failed him, too. Honestly there were things about his dishonesty from the past that I didn’t overcome. I should have.

My goodness I should have!

So, my struggle since early June has been a far-reaching number of feelings and emotions.

I’m mad as heck at myself.

I’m mad at his mother.

I’m furious with his piece of crap stepfather and all the emotions that go with it.

I’m disgusted, sorry, tearful.

I’m mad as hell!

I’m also so sorry for James.

Listen Tom and reading family, this life is a beautiful gift. Nothing is ever, ever worth taking it!

Get re-grounded.

Stop taking refuge in material things. Make your focus your family and friends and reach out to them when you get to this place in your life when you lose all hope.

Fight like heck and keep fighting. The fallout from suicide is beyond horrible to all that experience it.

Seek a deeper meaning and purpose that only knowing the God of the universe can bring.

So, James I want to apologize. You deserved better from life and from me.

Heaven help me.

Thanks for listening son and remember how much mom and I love you!