Yes, great article. One thing keeps coming to my mind, is in one of the classes undergrad psychology, the prof said, in order to be able to do serious cruelty to another, one has to justify one’s actions. And, it has stuck with me years later.
Is it possible the guy in your story who went to Vietnam and even killed a child( children) justified it, then he could do it. And is it possible the reason he looked “normal” afterwards and continued being a lawyer as though nothing had happened that the justification that he had come up with is still working for him, thus no regrets! ( thinking out loud)
Angelica that quote from your professor stuck with me so hard that I wrote it down in my journal. My Dad might even want to incorporate this into his response. He reads all the comments and he might respond to this one. I think your professor was spot on. It makes me think about some of the horrific things my friends have gone through in a different light. How did the people who did these things to them justify it in their mind?
It was so many years ago. I initially thought the answer to harming someone can’t be this some. Then I began noticing, all justified before they could commit them. I began noticing it in violence done to me to others, from individual harm to nation wars. It concept has not disappointed me one bit, unfortunately!
I would love to see how your dad reacts.
I am glad it was another way of looking at things for you. ☺️
I really relate to all of this, Tom. I have struggled with PTSD since I was twelve and still have some trouble with it today. The book you recommended is excellent. I actually think writing has been more healing than anything I’ve tried. I can’t wait to read your dad’s answer.
Same here Glenna. He's got a lot to say about all this. He probably has more to say about it than a single response can fit. I wonder whether, with time, my Dad will find writing to be as healing for him as it is for you. Especially to an online audience of people who can support him.
One of the biggest reasons Tom and I wanted to do this was to help and be helped by each other and by the contributions of people that can relate to our shared experiences. I always want there to be REDEMPTION and hope offered to all of us at the end of the day.
That is wonderful to hear. I honestly think Tom is doing the best writing of his career with this format. It’s been great to get to know you as a writer, too. I fully believe what you’re doing will have the desired effect. It has helped me already.
Hey Tom. I am so glad to have found your work, especially the letters between you and your father. What a very special treasure to have.
I also read 'the Body Keeps the Score' recently and have drawn some similar conclusions to you, especially in terms of blame. You ask the question, should we blame them or their trauma more?
I don't know the exact answer, I'm still working through that, but what I have learned is that acknowledging my father's trauma has given me great insight into his behaviour.
It has ultimately helped me to forgive him, even though he refuses to acknowledge what happened throughout my childhood. The forgiveness has been liberating.
Along the same lines, I am beginning to forgive myself too. I am realizing that the younger me was also directed by my trauma. So, should I blame me or my trauma more? Not sure, but if I assume accountability then I have the power to make change. If I blame the trauma then I'm likely to feel justified in my destructive past. Maybe it's a mix of both and maybe the trick is not to blame at all.
Thank you for sharing these intimacies with us. What a magical thing...
Thank you for this, Tom. I am grateful to have come across you and your dad’s open conversations. I am catching up on the series. I had a professor in Divinity School tell us, “no one leaves childhood unwounded.” For the first time, I gave myself the grace and space to realize that I have hurts I have experienced in childhood and life. I used to down play them because I did not deem them as “that bad” compared to others. But as someone in their late 20s, I can’t help but see how their unprocessed past hurts infiltrate and poke their head out in the present. This publication has been very therapeutic and helpful for me. I really do appreciate you and your father’s vulnerability and transparency.
Yes, great article. One thing keeps coming to my mind, is in one of the classes undergrad psychology, the prof said, in order to be able to do serious cruelty to another, one has to justify one’s actions. And, it has stuck with me years later.
Is it possible the guy in your story who went to Vietnam and even killed a child( children) justified it, then he could do it. And is it possible the reason he looked “normal” afterwards and continued being a lawyer as though nothing had happened that the justification that he had come up with is still working for him, thus no regrets! ( thinking out loud)
Interesting to see what your father responds.
Hello Angelica,
I agree. Spot on. Then we have to rationalize it away somehow. I really have to bring my A-Game with this new letter that's for sure.
Pleasure to meet you. Can’t wait to read it. 😊🌸
Angelica that quote from your professor stuck with me so hard that I wrote it down in my journal. My Dad might even want to incorporate this into his response. He reads all the comments and he might respond to this one. I think your professor was spot on. It makes me think about some of the horrific things my friends have gone through in a different light. How did the people who did these things to them justify it in their mind?
It was so many years ago. I initially thought the answer to harming someone can’t be this some. Then I began noticing, all justified before they could commit them. I began noticing it in violence done to me to others, from individual harm to nation wars. It concept has not disappointed me one bit, unfortunately!
I would love to see how your dad reacts.
I am glad it was another way of looking at things for you. ☺️
I really relate to all of this, Tom. I have struggled with PTSD since I was twelve and still have some trouble with it today. The book you recommended is excellent. I actually think writing has been more healing than anything I’ve tried. I can’t wait to read your dad’s answer.
Same here Glenna. He's got a lot to say about all this. He probably has more to say about it than a single response can fit. I wonder whether, with time, my Dad will find writing to be as healing for him as it is for you. Especially to an online audience of people who can support him.
Hello Glenna,
One of the biggest reasons Tom and I wanted to do this was to help and be helped by each other and by the contributions of people that can relate to our shared experiences. I always want there to be REDEMPTION and hope offered to all of us at the end of the day.
That is wonderful to hear. I honestly think Tom is doing the best writing of his career with this format. It’s been great to get to know you as a writer, too. I fully believe what you’re doing will have the desired effect. It has helped me already.
Good article; trauma, and in particular childhood trauma of various kinds, stays with the person well into adullthood. Yes, the body keeps score.
Hey Tom. I am so glad to have found your work, especially the letters between you and your father. What a very special treasure to have.
I also read 'the Body Keeps the Score' recently and have drawn some similar conclusions to you, especially in terms of blame. You ask the question, should we blame them or their trauma more?
I don't know the exact answer, I'm still working through that, but what I have learned is that acknowledging my father's trauma has given me great insight into his behaviour.
It has ultimately helped me to forgive him, even though he refuses to acknowledge what happened throughout my childhood. The forgiveness has been liberating.
Along the same lines, I am beginning to forgive myself too. I am realizing that the younger me was also directed by my trauma. So, should I blame me or my trauma more? Not sure, but if I assume accountability then I have the power to make change. If I blame the trauma then I'm likely to feel justified in my destructive past. Maybe it's a mix of both and maybe the trick is not to blame at all.
Thank you for sharing these intimacies with us. What a magical thing...
Morbs
Thank you for this, Tom. I am grateful to have come across you and your dad’s open conversations. I am catching up on the series. I had a professor in Divinity School tell us, “no one leaves childhood unwounded.” For the first time, I gave myself the grace and space to realize that I have hurts I have experienced in childhood and life. I used to down play them because I did not deem them as “that bad” compared to others. But as someone in their late 20s, I can’t help but see how their unprocessed past hurts infiltrate and poke their head out in the present. This publication has been very therapeutic and helpful for me. I really do appreciate you and your father’s vulnerability and transparency.