Ironically, Tom, I was talking about vulnerability with our mutual friend Chris yesterday. And I was telling him I think true vulnerability should feel risky. You have to feel a slight sense of discomfort before you do the vulnerable act. There’s got to be that voice of doubt in the back of your mind, telling you to be more cautious, warning you of the negative consequences. If your situation is absent of that, I feel like it’s not true vulnerability.
Great point Jon. That’s what makes it courageous in the first place. You got to be scared. You got to feel like you’re taking a risk writing something or telling a friend something. You do the vulnerability thing very well!
Thank you Henny! I can’t wait to dive into this with Dad further and to see his POV on it!! Thanks for reading. We so appreciate every single person who reads.
This is so timely with Zuck going on Joe Rogan and talking about masculinity culture last week (complete with Little Orphan Annie hair and a pretty necklace). When I think of extreme masculinity as a choice, it seems like an excuse to be a bully and never being accountable for bad behavior.
A real man has empathy. A real man wears his heart on his sleeve at times. A real man plays Barbies with his daughter. A real man is confident in himself and doesn’t need to put on the armor of toxic masculinity out of fear.
Yes to all of this Glenna. I remember watching Eat, Pray, Love a few years ago and Javier Bardem’s character at the very end struck me as a “real man.” Crying seeing his son go away (I think it was his son) was a good example of that. Men should feel things deeply and express those emotions. I think men in Mexico actually do this pretty decently.
Respectfully, as women we should stray away from using the phrase “a real man” in our language. It contributes to the shutting down of emotions. Men are complex, and human (as we are), and that’s real enough.
As a coach, I see the damage this is doing to men of all ages. It is fucking heartbreaking. I am glad that eventually they feel comfortable enough to open up to me, but I saddens me that I am often the only person they feel they can open up to like that!
There seems to be a lot of quiet desperation, on both sides .. people not honestly comunicating, afraid of intimacy ( into me see ). It is scary to begin with to share "your insides honestly... and this world as it is, full of pretense and judgment is not helping.
We are constantly told who we are supposed to be, what to look like and how to act .. it starts in school .. ridiculous social norms and expectations. Most people do not feel like they are "enough" anymore. Kindness is often seen as weakness. The message often is: you need this shirt, this car, this product it will "enhance" you, your look and your status, the underlying message: you are not enough.. now we pretend to be perfect.. lol
Men have additional pressure being the provider and such are told that only rich man are successful.. never mind honesty, kindness and other moral values. The rat race does not allow any of that. Sociopaths and psychopaths are the most successful leaders these days .. so now ruthless and heartless are added to the repertoire. For survival.
I read somewhere, we have 3 faces, one we show to everyone, one for friends and loved ones and one that we show noone.
I felt even more disconnected after covid lock downs.. the cyber world, online profiles and "influencers" re- inforced the "fake" and "impersonal".
The suicide rates in teens and young adults is at an all time high.. we all seem to struggle.
My husband points to a scene from Tombstone (I think) as typical of the most vulnerable men ever get with each other: Says one, “I ain’t got the words” and says the other, “I know.”
I see you, and I relate having had to figure out my own sources of ennui and anger and then being emotional, apologizing, figuring it out, and just showing up. And I’ll be real—a lot of women don’t speak up about their needs, which leads to them being resentful when they aren’t meant—we really make our own misery, don’t we? I had to realize that I wasn’t being a great partner by just blindly making sure the person I stated’s needs were met—especially when mine weren’t being.
I’ve come to realize it’s really that simple though—know you. Feel your feelings. Acknowledge and honor them. Respect others. Hold space. Put on your own air mask first—then you have a full cup to pour from.
We are human. We will get into that “ego self” or a conditioned response of not advocating for or supporting our needs, to be sure, communication about who we are—about FEELINGS is crucial for the health and success of any and all relationships—especially the one we have with ourselves.
Hi Tom! I really enjoyed this article! I watched "A Real Pain" about a month ago, and what struck me most about the movie was that it didn't end with a big resolution between the cousins. I think the movie captured the vulnerability of familial relationships very well. It made me think about how being vulnerable with family—especially while grieving—can be harder than with strangers. It takes time, patience, and courage to share a side of yourself that isn’t often seen by those who know you best.
Keely that's a really good point. I agree with you. I never thought about that until now that the movie didn't end with a big resolution between the cousins. Happy you got to see it. Thank you for reading this!
Tom, have you and your dad seen this great article on the history of male friendships in the USA? There was a cultural shift that happened after WWII that led to today’s predicament. John Wayne was basically an product of the 1950s, that was not the historical norm for male friendships at all.
Ironically, Tom, I was talking about vulnerability with our mutual friend Chris yesterday. And I was telling him I think true vulnerability should feel risky. You have to feel a slight sense of discomfort before you do the vulnerable act. There’s got to be that voice of doubt in the back of your mind, telling you to be more cautious, warning you of the negative consequences. If your situation is absent of that, I feel like it’s not true vulnerability.
Great point Jon. That’s what makes it courageous in the first place. You got to be scared. You got to feel like you’re taking a risk writing something or telling a friend something. You do the vulnerability thing very well!
Tom thanks so much for sharing. I’m glad that piece spoke to you. Also the relationship you and your dad have is beautiful and inspiring.
So many great points in this article. Grateful for you continuing this much needed conversation!
Thanks Blake! I’m so happy I follow you.
Good on you for taking this step.
I come across this alot in my work as coach with men. It’s a joy of mine to see father son relationships flourishing. Well done!
This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability.
Thank you Lizzy! Also, thanks for subscribing. :)
Man Tom this is so great. I’ve been looking for guys that write about this type of stuff. Appreciate it.
Thank you Henny! I can’t wait to dive into this with Dad further and to see his POV on it!! Thanks for reading. We so appreciate every single person who reads.
This is so timely with Zuck going on Joe Rogan and talking about masculinity culture last week (complete with Little Orphan Annie hair and a pretty necklace). When I think of extreme masculinity as a choice, it seems like an excuse to be a bully and never being accountable for bad behavior.
A real man has empathy. A real man wears his heart on his sleeve at times. A real man plays Barbies with his daughter. A real man is confident in himself and doesn’t need to put on the armor of toxic masculinity out of fear.
Just my two cents. :)
Yes to all of this Glenna. I remember watching Eat, Pray, Love a few years ago and Javier Bardem’s character at the very end struck me as a “real man.” Crying seeing his son go away (I think it was his son) was a good example of that. Men should feel things deeply and express those emotions. I think men in Mexico actually do this pretty decently.
Glenna,
Stay tuned for my response. I have a lot to say about some of the points you made.
Looking forward to reading it, William. :)
Respectfully, as women we should stray away from using the phrase “a real man” in our language. It contributes to the shutting down of emotions. Men are complex, and human (as we are), and that’s real enough.
As a coach, I see the damage this is doing to men of all ages. It is fucking heartbreaking. I am glad that eventually they feel comfortable enough to open up to me, but I saddens me that I am often the only person they feel they can open up to like that!
This was brilliant Tom! 👏👏
Thank you!!
There seems to be a lot of quiet desperation, on both sides .. people not honestly comunicating, afraid of intimacy ( into me see ). It is scary to begin with to share "your insides honestly... and this world as it is, full of pretense and judgment is not helping.
We are constantly told who we are supposed to be, what to look like and how to act .. it starts in school .. ridiculous social norms and expectations. Most people do not feel like they are "enough" anymore. Kindness is often seen as weakness. The message often is: you need this shirt, this car, this product it will "enhance" you, your look and your status, the underlying message: you are not enough.. now we pretend to be perfect.. lol
Men have additional pressure being the provider and such are told that only rich man are successful.. never mind honesty, kindness and other moral values. The rat race does not allow any of that. Sociopaths and psychopaths are the most successful leaders these days .. so now ruthless and heartless are added to the repertoire. For survival.
I read somewhere, we have 3 faces, one we show to everyone, one for friends and loved ones and one that we show noone.
I felt even more disconnected after covid lock downs.. the cyber world, online profiles and "influencers" re- inforced the "fake" and "impersonal".
The suicide rates in teens and young adults is at an all time high.. we all seem to struggle.
Substack is a real reprieve!! :)
Thank you!!
indeed.
Thomas- this is such an important article. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty.
Please take a de minutes to listen to this song, “To Be A Man” by Dax
Be well amd don’t ever stop growing as a human being
Thank you Erica. I will!
My husband points to a scene from Tombstone (I think) as typical of the most vulnerable men ever get with each other: Says one, “I ain’t got the words” and says the other, “I know.”
Haha that's a great example. Thanks for reading and for the comment.
I see you, and I relate having had to figure out my own sources of ennui and anger and then being emotional, apologizing, figuring it out, and just showing up. And I’ll be real—a lot of women don’t speak up about their needs, which leads to them being resentful when they aren’t meant—we really make our own misery, don’t we? I had to realize that I wasn’t being a great partner by just blindly making sure the person I stated’s needs were met—especially when mine weren’t being.
I’ve come to realize it’s really that simple though—know you. Feel your feelings. Acknowledge and honor them. Respect others. Hold space. Put on your own air mask first—then you have a full cup to pour from.
We are human. We will get into that “ego self” or a conditioned response of not advocating for or supporting our needs, to be sure, communication about who we are—about FEELINGS is crucial for the health and success of any and all relationships—especially the one we have with ourselves.
This is a wonderful and important letter, thanks for sharing this Tom. And I also loved A Real Pain - great movie!
Thanks Claire! I love that you saw it. Such a great travel movie in a sense as well.
Hi Tom! I really enjoyed this article! I watched "A Real Pain" about a month ago, and what struck me most about the movie was that it didn't end with a big resolution between the cousins. I think the movie captured the vulnerability of familial relationships very well. It made me think about how being vulnerable with family—especially while grieving—can be harder than with strangers. It takes time, patience, and courage to share a side of yourself that isn’t often seen by those who know you best.
Keely that's a really good point. I agree with you. I never thought about that until now that the movie didn't end with a big resolution between the cousins. Happy you got to see it. Thank you for reading this!
Tom, have you and your dad seen this great article on the history of male friendships in the USA? There was a cultural shift that happened after WWII that led to today’s predicament. John Wayne was basically an product of the 1950s, that was not the historical norm for male friendships at all.
https://www.artofmanliness.com/people/relationships/the-history-and-nature-of-man-friendships/
The whole Art of Manliness blog is worth checking out in full: lots of great stuff!