I love what you guys are doing, and these two letters #s 5&6, I find especially powerful. Dad, your raw honesty about your family trauma, and how hard you’ve worked at extricating yourself from its grips is enough to inspire hope for this world. I very much agree with Thomas (and Bessel Van Der Kolk) that our society, our world, is deeply entrenched in generational trauma, which compounds--often like compound interest --as time goes on, and has a tremendously negative effect on outcomes from interpersonal to international relationships. But In this conversation you are having it’s clear that those histories of trauma do not have to be an unbreakable mold. Thomas did not have to live through what you and your mother and all of her family members (for who knows how many generations back) did. It’s a great gift to see the hope and possibilities in that!
Erika, thanks for the beautiful comment. 🥹 My Dad did a great job breaking that chain of trauma. I never experienced the horrors that he did, and looking back I understand all the work he had to do to make that happen. It's incredible.
Thank you so much Erika for your kind words and insight. I especially like the word picture of compound interest. I really believe that the "normal" families aren't so normal if they even exist. As long as there are people in families there will be problems. It certainly provides a good discussion in the future if humans are bent towards good or bad.
Thanks for sharing. It is not easy to write about our famalies, chiefly because we know our situation is not good and healthy, but when we are young children we view our upbringing as exceptional. This brings up issues of shame, not fitting in, etc.
Yet, healing begins with an honest appraisal of the situation; you have done that. I have done so, as well, starting in my early 20s and continuing on. I am 66, so I am a little older than you. What "saved" me when young was books, later literature, writing and then therapy. Lots of it. Just talking. And a few good friends.
You mention "The Living Years" by Mike & the Mechanics. I remember hearing it for the first time, back in early 1989, I think. I was driving, the song came on the radio. I had to pull over and park. My dad had died in 1980, from cancer. I sat there and tears came streaming down my face.
Yeah, that is one powerful and personal song. Another is by Luba, "Everytime I See Your Pictute" (1984).
Thank you for contributing. People like you are examples to all of us that it can be done. I'm so sorry about your father and how he died. That is not an easy thing to experience either. I will listen to the song by Luba!
Coming from a family of dysfunction myself, this discussion between the two of you hits home. Overcoming the past to forge a better future is powerful and courageous. I tried to break the dysfunction cycle with my own family, but made such a mess. Learning from it helps make sense of it. Thanks for being so transparent. I'm enjoying the journey in your letters.
really powerful what you two are sharing here. My pops passed away in May after a long battle with Alzheimers. Last 5 years actually were the best times we ever shared thanks to the disease. That sounds weird to say, but it really chilled him out a lot. Seeing your letters touches my heart and I look forward to being a part of your family in this digitally connected way. Peace
I’ve always loved that name as I had a good friend growing up with that name. So happy you can relate(most people can). I’m sure your dad had his own story and journey like we all do. I’m sure that what you saw during his illness was probably who he was to some degree until life hit him with some hard shots. I’m glad that my experience helped you. Your comment helps me too!
I am finally getting a chance to read all of these letters and I feel blessed to do so. Thank you both for your honesty and willingness to share your stories with all of us. There is plenty of trauma in my family of origin, and I see it carrying on into the next generation with some of the children and grandchildren. I am moved especially by this quote "We have to be strong enough to realize how weak we are, once we accept that we become strong enough to begin standing on our own confident in who we are." Very wise words!! And indeed, much work to be done for many of us, myself included. Thank you, I am enjoying and learning much!
Thank you so much for commenting on the letter. I love stories that have redemption at the end. The encouraging thing is that there is redemption at the end of every story if we seek it. Thank you for your encouragement!!
This was an emotional read for me. My experience with trauma also reaches back through many generations. I so badly wish that my father was willing to face it with me so that we may make peace between us. He will take denial to his grave and he's not got long to live. I am now a father too. I am facing this intergenerational "curse" head-on. My son, at least, will have a better life and hopefully he and I become the break in the generational chain. Thank you deeply for sharing this letter!
I love what you guys are doing, and these two letters #s 5&6, I find especially powerful. Dad, your raw honesty about your family trauma, and how hard you’ve worked at extricating yourself from its grips is enough to inspire hope for this world. I very much agree with Thomas (and Bessel Van Der Kolk) that our society, our world, is deeply entrenched in generational trauma, which compounds--often like compound interest --as time goes on, and has a tremendously negative effect on outcomes from interpersonal to international relationships. But In this conversation you are having it’s clear that those histories of trauma do not have to be an unbreakable mold. Thomas did not have to live through what you and your mother and all of her family members (for who knows how many generations back) did. It’s a great gift to see the hope and possibilities in that!
Erika, thanks for the beautiful comment. 🥹 My Dad did a great job breaking that chain of trauma. I never experienced the horrors that he did, and looking back I understand all the work he had to do to make that happen. It's incredible.
Thank you so much Erika for your kind words and insight. I especially like the word picture of compound interest. I really believe that the "normal" families aren't so normal if they even exist. As long as there are people in families there will be problems. It certainly provides a good discussion in the future if humans are bent towards good or bad.
Thanks for sharing. It is not easy to write about our famalies, chiefly because we know our situation is not good and healthy, but when we are young children we view our upbringing as exceptional. This brings up issues of shame, not fitting in, etc.
Yet, healing begins with an honest appraisal of the situation; you have done that. I have done so, as well, starting in my early 20s and continuing on. I am 66, so I am a little older than you. What "saved" me when young was books, later literature, writing and then therapy. Lots of it. Just talking. And a few good friends.
You mention "The Living Years" by Mike & the Mechanics. I remember hearing it for the first time, back in early 1989, I think. I was driving, the song came on the radio. I had to pull over and park. My dad had died in 1980, from cancer. I sat there and tears came streaming down my face.
Yeah, that is one powerful and personal song. Another is by Luba, "Everytime I See Your Pictute" (1984).
Hello Perry,
Thank you for contributing. People like you are examples to all of us that it can be done. I'm so sorry about your father and how he died. That is not an easy thing to experience either. I will listen to the song by Luba!
Coming from a family of dysfunction myself, this discussion between the two of you hits home. Overcoming the past to forge a better future is powerful and courageous. I tried to break the dysfunction cycle with my own family, but made such a mess. Learning from it helps make sense of it. Thanks for being so transparent. I'm enjoying the journey in your letters.
Thank you Tracy for reading these. This one is an older one! I’m happy you managed to find it in our backlog. :)
really powerful what you two are sharing here. My pops passed away in May after a long battle with Alzheimers. Last 5 years actually were the best times we ever shared thanks to the disease. That sounds weird to say, but it really chilled him out a lot. Seeing your letters touches my heart and I look forward to being a part of your family in this digitally connected way. Peace
Hello Christopher!!
I’ve always loved that name as I had a good friend growing up with that name. So happy you can relate(most people can). I’m sure your dad had his own story and journey like we all do. I’m sure that what you saw during his illness was probably who he was to some degree until life hit him with some hard shots. I’m glad that my experience helped you. Your comment helps me too!
Thanks William, I never thought of it that way... life before some hard shots. I think you're right. (oh, and it's just Christoph without the "er")
I am finally getting a chance to read all of these letters and I feel blessed to do so. Thank you both for your honesty and willingness to share your stories with all of us. There is plenty of trauma in my family of origin, and I see it carrying on into the next generation with some of the children and grandchildren. I am moved especially by this quote "We have to be strong enough to realize how weak we are, once we accept that we become strong enough to begin standing on our own confident in who we are." Very wise words!! And indeed, much work to be done for many of us, myself included. Thank you, I am enjoying and learning much!
Hello Nancy!!
Thank you so much for commenting on the letter. I love stories that have redemption at the end. The encouraging thing is that there is redemption at the end of every story if we seek it. Thank you for your encouragement!!
This was an emotional read for me. My experience with trauma also reaches back through many generations. I so badly wish that my father was willing to face it with me so that we may make peace between us. He will take denial to his grave and he's not got long to live. I am now a father too. I am facing this intergenerational "curse" head-on. My son, at least, will have a better life and hopefully he and I become the break in the generational chain. Thank you deeply for sharing this letter!