Did I Get Married Too Early At 21?
Letter #2
Hello Tom,
I’m surprised at how your question stirred up so many conflicting emotions and thoughts. Our story, like everyone’s, has a back story. This response may be a little of a roller coaster ride, but I promise it will all tie together at the end.
By the time of our wedding in 1985, I was a real mess. We had support of some of the family but there were many that couldn’t handle our relationship. When you’re around this kind of unhappiness for a period of time, it’s going to take its toll. It was so sad because we were the kind of couple people should’ve been happy for. With my family background of dysfunction after all this happened, I was not in the frame of mind to enjoy my wedding. I like to call it a soul wound.
There were a lot of unhealthy attachments and co-dependency in both families. Mom was put into a position at an early age to be a surrogate spouse. As you know, she was fifth in the birth order with a younger brother. Her father died when she was 12, and Scott was six. Your Grandmom leaned on Mom a lot. Mom filled the void. Then I came along and upset the apple cart. It was very tough for her to let go of Mom. Grandmom also had a very hard life of her own. So rather then embrace our relationship, she made it evident she was pretty unhappy. OF course, I understand as a 60-year-old the reasons and how deep they were. We also got to the point where we really loved each other. Some had a real problem that I wasn’t going to marry my ex-girlfriend. They also felt abandoned when Mom and I were spending so much time together. Everyone just needed to calm down and let nature take its course. This is totally normal in a new relationship! I was immature like any person that age with rejection issues. I was 21 years old. Who realizes all this at that age? So, the rejection I felt had really bad consequences. I was a bundle of nerves going into the marriage because I too needed that approval and when I didn’t get it, I was angry. Behind all anger is pain.
Mom and I were talking about this the other night. Revisiting it. It’s amazing after nearly 40 years what can be dredged up. We both see now so clearly that our families were wounded too. There were reasons they acted the way they did. When you get older you realize it had little to do with you. Then you spend a lifetime trying to overcome the damage that goes generations back. We also discussed the possibility that maybe we should’ve waited. Maybe I needed more time to mature and grow, there’s something to be said for that. Maybe Mom should’ve completed some goals too.
I’ve been thinking about this all week, and I don’t believe that. In our case, I believe the way it happened was the way it was supposed to be. Mom is an incredible woman and I see so clearly the gift God gave me in my healing journey. I think the same thing was true of Mom. I think we helped each other. When you’re committed like we were, you just tackle the obstacles as they come. There were a lot of them, but in our case we both wanted to move forward and always improve. I went to therapy. I chipped away at this side of myself that believed I had no value because of what others thought of me until one day, as I was walking across the parking lot at work, the first time in my life, I told myself ‘Billy I would be proud to have a son like you.’ Our marriage was like building blocks, where each brick was built upon one beneath it that was stronger. That went all the way back until I was 21. It had to happen that way. So yes, I would get married again at 21! I’m so thankful for the invisible hand that guided us.
That led to three of the most beautiful children a man can have! I wouldn’t change a thing with the timing, not for a second. Watching all three of you come into the world, and seeing all the milestones of your lives, and what you’ve become, and the wonderful people you are would make any man feel blessed. To see the grandbabies continue the legacy makes me feel like Mom and I accomplished something beautiful. Cultivating a life and watching it grow is a holy calling. I really wouldn’t change a thing!
Love you son
Note to reader: This is a response to Letter #1, titled Dad, Are You Happy You Got Married So Early?
Dad, I told you this already, but for your first ever blog post this is pretty amazing work. It sparks a LOT of questions and inspiration for where I can take letter #3, and you brought up some things that make me sit back and say to myself "Family drama isn't always that serious. It takes care of itself eventually if you give it enough time and have the empathy to realize that everyone is flawed at the end of the day. That's something I've come to terms with and accepted in our family. We are all flawed. I will save the rest of my response for letter#3. There's so many directions I plan to take it.
Thank you for your kind words, Carol. I think our story is a lot more common than we think.