Dad, Are You Happy You Got Married At 21?

Letter #1

Hey Dad!

Man, this is weird.

I guess the weirdness will go away with time as we sink our teeth into this project.

Let’s see how it goes.

I guess we should start at the beginning.

Growing up, I have a bunch of fond memories with you.

One being the toy soldier battles we had. You introduced me to this concept (obviously), and it was always very fun.

We’d set up toy soldiers all throughout the room and arm ourselves with Lincoln Logs, rubber balls, and various other throwable projectiles and try to knock each other’s army down.

Whoever knocked every soldier down first won.

For some reason I loved this concept, and I remember the lone soldiers you’d place at high altitudes (on top of the couch armrest) being so hard to knock over.

I remember when you’d blast Elvis on the speakers in the basement and dance with Rachel and I. I feel like I could hardly breathe from laughing so hard.

I remember the boxing matches we’d have. I’d put on the big red boxing gloves that were practically the size of my entire body and we’d spar. I loved every second of it. You would nudge me rather than hit me, obviously, and whenever I lost my balance you’d yell out “STAGGERED THE CHAMPION.” I hated that then but I laugh at it now.

It makes sense we boxed. Rocky is one of your favorite movies and I know you and Mom liked Sugar Ray Leonard a lot. I also remember stories you’d tell me of Pop Pop soaking his fists in hot wax until they were the size of balloons. Then, according to your stories, him and his childhood friends would box each other.

I have no idea whether that’s a true story or not or when I heard it, but it stuck in my brain.

I remember the hilarious game we played where we acted like our bed was a spaceship and you took on the role of space monster. Our covers were the “shields” and if we didn’t get the covers (shields) over our heads in time, the space monster would get us. Me and Rob loved that, I think.

I could go on and on about the countless games we played together.. like ‘Top Gear’ or ‘Ken Griffey Jr.’s Winning Run’ on Super Nintendo. We had some battles.

The point is, I had a good childhood.

Was it perfect? No, but what is?

I’ve never been the type of person to dwell on the negatives.
I don’t see the point.
Let’s relish the good stuff, and kick the bad stuff to the curb.

It can’t hurt us now anyway.

Reflecting on my childhood as a “man,” I notice things I never noticed before.

Namely the fact that you and Mom got married pretty young. I think you were both 21 years old, correct? Man, I remember who I was at 21 years old and I could never in my life imagine that version of me being married.

I was way too young and stupid, more concerned with having fun than seriously settling down. And to be honest, I’m happy I waited until I was 30(!) to get married.

I was born the same year you turned 30, and Rachel was born when you were 26.

I’m about as ready to have a kid as I’ve ever been in my life as I write this, but I’m still not sure if I’m sufficiently “ready” yet.

You did everything earlier than me.

Looking back, do you believe you got married and had kids too early? I’m genuinely curious and won’t care either way what that answer will be.

I was always scared of marriage.

I always thought the idea of being “trapped” with someone for 50+ years of your life to be incredibly scary. What if you married the wrong person? What if the rest of your life gets ruined because of one single mistake?

What made you sure Mom was the one for you?

I’m nearing a year of marriage, and I’m happy to tell you that with all sincerity, my relationship with Dalia gets better every day.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but my biggest fear is to not get all that I can out of my life. We only have one shot at this. I feared lying on my deathbed and having regrets about all the stuff I didn’t do.

A friend of mine recently told me something like “We can’t avoid having regrets, but we CAN choose the regrets we’ll end up having.”

Funny enough, as I look up who said that, it’s none other than Christopher Hitchens.

I think sometime in 2021 I realized that I’d been deferring a meaningful life in the name of travel and personal ambition. I lived in the Philippines for 3 years until that point, and my life revolved around my business more than a significant other.

It was until I read Jordan Peterson, who you introduced me to, that I realized taking up more personal responsibility, and being less selfish, IS the way to a more meaningful life.

For years I felt like a Peter Pan character who had trouble growing up. I needed to do X, Y, and Z before I could get married and start a family, I thought, because after that my life was practically over.

It’s a hilarious thing to think, I know, but it seems in our modern culture we tend to believe that getting married and having kids is the death of a life of freedom.

But as I accumulated more experiences and success, I found it wasn’t as meaningful as I originally hoped it would be. It was a gaping black hole I tried to fill with accomplishments, money, and status. As you know, I was once kind of famous in the Philippines, and I say that with all the humility in the world. When you can go live on Facebook and see 600 people flood in almost immediately, it does crazy things to your ego.

But once I cut the Live video, and everybody left, there was always a sense of meaninglessness.

Reading Jordan Peterson really helped me out in my time of need, and after getting married I realize this is a much more fulfilling life than when I was constantly jetting around the Philippines.

And, quite the opposite to what I used to think, it’s not the death of a “fun” life, it’s actually a multiplier of it. I decided to really open myself up to Dalia in ways I hadn’t before with previous partners, and the companionship and love we have for each other is something I’ve never experienced before.

It feels great.

So I guess in the last five years or so, I came full circle.

I used to think that getting married young and starting a family young was a mistake.

But now I realize that they are adventures in and of themselves, and there’s a lot of meaning to be found from dedicating your life to supporting someone else.

I wonder what you think of all that.