This is one of my favorite publications out there. You’re so right, there’s a big difference in being emotional in front of our kids in a way that is unhealthy and leaves them feeling responsible for our emotions, and intentionally modeling how to regulate emotions.
We just interviewed Dr. Dan Allender for our podcast and he said something that blew my mind when talking about how men can be incredibly courageous in a lot of settings, until they run into a conflict with their wife. “You can put your body in the realms of great danger without having to put your heart into it.”
Blake I was thinking about exactly this recently. I was a courageous person in some respects in high school, but an absolute coward in others. In sports I was as courageous as they came, but in other ways (like standing up to bullies/etc.) I was not. Idk if that's what you meant here by that quote, but that's where my mind went. Thanks for reading Blake it means a lot to us. Will send you a message today.
I loved that movie Interstellar. And it’s kinda the type that messes with one’s brain!
Helping kids feel safe is so important. Safe with you, the adult. Safe in that you chase off the monsters under the bed, and have their dreams in mind as you encourage them. Safe means you don’t lie about your feelings, instead you take the time to help them to understand complex emotions like “disappointment” and “grief”. Safe means helping them understand their emotions too.
Bullys are taught. They have learned this abuse from someone being a bully towards them. They have been taught that power OVER someone means strength, when instead it’s only intimidation.
Men’s violence against men and women must be stopped. And Men must lead the charge in this change. It has to become socially unacceptable to be a bully and to harm others
That marvelous phrase that “if all you have is a hammer, then everything is a nail” comes from psychologist Abraham Maslow, and became known as Maslow’s instrument theory. It’s a theory I have used frequently when counseling to help clients learn solve a situation…. They must first be curious if they have the right tools, and if they are asking the right questions.. otherwise they cannot truly solve the puzzle of how to make change.
Teyani this is a great comment. When you say this "They must first be curious if they have the right tools, and if they are asking the right questions.. otherwise they cannot truly solve the puzzle of how to make change."
What do you mean by that? Can you do anything to help the client realize they may not have the right tools or be asking the right questions? I am interested!
It often will begin with them telling me that they have been coping with a problem for awhile, (same problem) and we will discuss how they are responding to it. If there hasn’t been any change, then I will ask them to be curious about the ways they are currently trying to solve something..then I might ask, what is it that you want?
Sometimes I will share a story I created to explain this dilemma.
Imagine a person in a room that has three walls that are solid, and one with a door, and the one with a door is to their left. (When in the office I simply point to my door). If they stand up and walk into the wall straight ahead of them, they will continue to get bruised and frustrated. They might be asking themselves “why isn’t there a door here?!” Over and over… the question “why” is not helping them (it rarely does)… then I ask them to pause and consider what it is they want.. they answer to get out of the room.. the question now becomes “where is the door”. They turn, and walk out of the door. Asking themselves “why?” hardly ever solves the dilemma.
This letter was the first one I read. Wow. Really great points.
Interstellar is one of my favorite movies. My favorite part is how it explains the concept of 5D from spiritual communities in a concrete way. That's one of my takeaways.
I'd like to introduce the concept of competition among women who grew up in male-dominated/ male-centered families. We watch/watched those same football games too. Some women were raised in a masculine way so it applies to them as well. At least, though my experience, that's how I feel.
Yeah Sam those parts blew my mind. I think Dr. Brand said something like "Maybe love is a relic of a dimension we can't yet perceive" or something like that. Interstellar is brilliant for all those amazing questions it gives us to ponder. So Sam you'd like my Dad and I to talk about how this effects women as well? That would be a great idea for future letters.
Thanks for the very thoughtful discussion. I have to admit that my knee-jerk response is "nothing" whenever my daughter asks if something is wrong. She is eighteen, and I'm not fooling her for a minute. I think finally getting in touch with my feelings a little more will allow me to express them to her in a healthy way. I don't think kids should be overburdened with adult problems, even when they are adults, but like you said, it's somewhere in the middle.
I love that some of my favorite Substack writers are connected here..Tom, Bill, and Blake...your exchanges make this richer for me.
I tried very hard to shield my children from things I thought would make them insecure. It turns out that I was trying not to feel those things fully in myself. Fear is a powerful motivator, especially when it's robed in protectiveness. One of the great benefits of getting older and having grandchildren is this opportunity to see things differently and in a healthier way for them and me. I so appreciate and applaud the writings and comments here. Teaching an old dog new tricks is a real thing!
This is one of my favorite publications out there. You’re so right, there’s a big difference in being emotional in front of our kids in a way that is unhealthy and leaves them feeling responsible for our emotions, and intentionally modeling how to regulate emotions.
We just interviewed Dr. Dan Allender for our podcast and he said something that blew my mind when talking about how men can be incredibly courageous in a lot of settings, until they run into a conflict with their wife. “You can put your body in the realms of great danger without having to put your heart into it.”
Eye opening quote!
Blake I was thinking about exactly this recently. I was a courageous person in some respects in high school, but an absolute coward in others. In sports I was as courageous as they came, but in other ways (like standing up to bullies/etc.) I was not. Idk if that's what you meant here by that quote, but that's where my mind went. Thanks for reading Blake it means a lot to us. Will send you a message today.
Lots to unpack in this letter Tom.
I loved that movie Interstellar. And it’s kinda the type that messes with one’s brain!
Helping kids feel safe is so important. Safe with you, the adult. Safe in that you chase off the monsters under the bed, and have their dreams in mind as you encourage them. Safe means you don’t lie about your feelings, instead you take the time to help them to understand complex emotions like “disappointment” and “grief”. Safe means helping them understand their emotions too.
Bullys are taught. They have learned this abuse from someone being a bully towards them. They have been taught that power OVER someone means strength, when instead it’s only intimidation.
Men’s violence against men and women must be stopped. And Men must lead the charge in this change. It has to become socially unacceptable to be a bully and to harm others
That marvelous phrase that “if all you have is a hammer, then everything is a nail” comes from psychologist Abraham Maslow, and became known as Maslow’s instrument theory. It’s a theory I have used frequently when counseling to help clients learn solve a situation…. They must first be curious if they have the right tools, and if they are asking the right questions.. otherwise they cannot truly solve the puzzle of how to make change.
Teyani this is a great comment. When you say this "They must first be curious if they have the right tools, and if they are asking the right questions.. otherwise they cannot truly solve the puzzle of how to make change."
What do you mean by that? Can you do anything to help the client realize they may not have the right tools or be asking the right questions? I am interested!
Absolutely.
It often will begin with them telling me that they have been coping with a problem for awhile, (same problem) and we will discuss how they are responding to it. If there hasn’t been any change, then I will ask them to be curious about the ways they are currently trying to solve something..then I might ask, what is it that you want?
Sometimes I will share a story I created to explain this dilemma.
Imagine a person in a room that has three walls that are solid, and one with a door, and the one with a door is to their left. (When in the office I simply point to my door). If they stand up and walk into the wall straight ahead of them, they will continue to get bruised and frustrated. They might be asking themselves “why isn’t there a door here?!” Over and over… the question “why” is not helping them (it rarely does)… then I ask them to pause and consider what it is they want.. they answer to get out of the room.. the question now becomes “where is the door”. They turn, and walk out of the door. Asking themselves “why?” hardly ever solves the dilemma.
Here a short essay I wrote about this:
https://stayingtogether.substack.com/p/why-is-a-lousy-question-do-i-dare
Ps…. I know that I’m “preaching to the choir” here. 🤭. Mostly I am attempting to convey I get what you are saying. And thanks
This letter was the first one I read. Wow. Really great points.
Interstellar is one of my favorite movies. My favorite part is how it explains the concept of 5D from spiritual communities in a concrete way. That's one of my takeaways.
I'd like to introduce the concept of competition among women who grew up in male-dominated/ male-centered families. We watch/watched those same football games too. Some women were raised in a masculine way so it applies to them as well. At least, though my experience, that's how I feel.
Yeah Sam those parts blew my mind. I think Dr. Brand said something like "Maybe love is a relic of a dimension we can't yet perceive" or something like that. Interstellar is brilliant for all those amazing questions it gives us to ponder. So Sam you'd like my Dad and I to talk about how this effects women as well? That would be a great idea for future letters.
Yeah I'd love that! Thanks for considering it
Excellently written, Tom! I share those same concerns.
Thanks for the very thoughtful discussion. I have to admit that my knee-jerk response is "nothing" whenever my daughter asks if something is wrong. She is eighteen, and I'm not fooling her for a minute. I think finally getting in touch with my feelings a little more will allow me to express them to her in a healthy way. I don't think kids should be overburdened with adult problems, even when they are adults, but like you said, it's somewhere in the middle.
I love that some of my favorite Substack writers are connected here..Tom, Bill, and Blake...your exchanges make this richer for me.
I tried very hard to shield my children from things I thought would make them insecure. It turns out that I was trying not to feel those things fully in myself. Fear is a powerful motivator, especially when it's robed in protectiveness. One of the great benefits of getting older and having grandchildren is this opportunity to see things differently and in a healthier way for them and me. I so appreciate and applaud the writings and comments here. Teaching an old dog new tricks is a real thing!
Wait, is your dad alive?
Well written, Tom. and thank you for bringing out awareness of this great issue in the states — it’s baked into our personalities…
It seems that the answer here lies somewhere in the development of humility, kindness, and compassion within stereotypical masculine strength~