The Silent Pain Of Family Estrangement—And How I'm Learning To Cope

Letter #48

Photo by Alberto Casetta on Unsplash

Hello Tom,

We’ve both been through a tremendous amount of pain for a number of years now because of a relationship with a family member that for all intents and purposes is probably never going to change, at least not in the near future.

I can’t stress to our reading family enough how many agonizing moments all of us have shared because of this.

It’s been devastating frankly, to all of us.

I know our family is not the only one this has happened to. As long as there are fallible people there will be problems in any family.

I’m going to try to convey to you and to our reading family how I look at this and what it’s done to me in my soul.

Tom, you often tell me that one of the amazing benefits of these letters is that generations after us will read these letters and have a window into the hearts of their grandfather and uncle, until it eventually will turn into great grandfather and great uncle and so forth and so on. I take that very seriously and I hope that our life experiences will help them and maybe prevent the current challenges our family is going through.

So, having said that let me start off by saying that I came from a dysfunctional family and the example I saw whenever there was a conflict was to scream and holler and say things that were devastating. The words still hurt to this day; words really can never be taken back; they stick with you your whole life. I’ve spent much time in therapy to overcome the words of devastation, and I’ve made much progress in limiting their impact.

It’s funny because as is my custom I listen to the Beatles channel when I write these letters to you and one of my favorite songs by George Harrison, “Isn’t it a pity” just came on. I well up many times with this part of the song

“Isn’t it a pity, now isn’t it a shame, how we break each other’s hearts and cause each other pain, how we take each other’s love without thinking anymore, forgetting to give back, isn’t it a pity.”

It doesn’t matter who you are in this life, whether it’s George Harrison or even Jesus Christ, you’re going to experience the pain any close relationship can cause.

When things go wrong in any relationship in my life, I spend a lot of time in deep introspection to see what I did to cause problems on my end. I can literally drive myself crazy with my OCD brain because I can think of everything. Then your emotions get involved and it raises it to a whole different level.

I really try to let what the bible says be my guide in how I treat people. If the bible tells me anything it’s that people are sacred and deserve to be treated with decency, after all we’re made in the image of God. That was hardly ever practiced in the home I grew up in, as every vile thing you can say was said. Very mean, very personal things that cut to the heart and soul and really dehumanized you.

So, I am well aware of the power of words, for good and bad.

Having said all that about the relationship I’m talking about I can honestly say that as far as I can see this was not my practice, and if I ever did say a hurtful thing I apologized. I don’t think any of us are guilty of that when it comes to this relationship Tom, I really don’t. I’m talking about this being a habit and a practice in our family.

I would just stop here and emphasize to our families’ future generations please try your best to never say anything out of emotion and do your best to never ever get personal. Saying personal things never does any good and only exasperates the situation.

Do you want some examples future family?

Don’t say things like, “you always do this” or “you’re always so selfish” instead say things like, “that made me feel like this” or “I was hurt by that.” Make that a practice and your relationships will be so much better.

What if that wasn’t the problem? What if the relationship just went in another direction on the others person’s end and you had little or nothing to do with it. This is what happened in this situation I believe, and this is where it gets a little more complicated. When I say we had little to nothing to do with it I need to clarify. It wasn’t so much what we did as parents on an interpersonal level. It was a revaluation by this family member of the views we had on life and what they believed was their place in the family which they eventually rejected. The words we said to each other in my view were never really the problem, I think it was more about our values as parents, and what they felt was an unhealthy role in the family. That was rejected. That’s how they felt. I don’t agree with their assessment, but it really doesn’t matter. The problem was the result was isolation from the rest of us. I feel like they have a mindset that any relationship with the family that requires time (and we’re not asking for a lot) is just not something that’s a priority. They’ve obviously gotten there in their journey for their own reasons; the problem is the rest of the family doesn’t have any idea where to go or what to do when attempt after attempt is stiff armed. On our end it feels like a cold indifference, and it’s very hard to deal with.

A family is sacred, and when you love each other the way we all do, and a person goes in a direction of isolation more often than not the people left standing there are left on a road in the middle of a desert or deep in the wilderness, this is the way it’s felt to all of us. More than one of us have spent the past few years lamenting this to the point where the impact has been very detrimental to us.

We’ve been told that one of the reasons for the change was that “self-care” needed to be practiced. After thinking about this it dawned on me one day that self-care works both ways. I think we’re allowed to have feelings on our end about how we feel and to have some kind of boundary as to what we’re willing to accept.

Our family dynamic is like any other family, each of us are allowed to go in the direction we think is justified. My dilemma is that I always want to go the extra mile to restore something to the point where it becomes very detrimental. That’s not fair to the rest of the family because if they feel forced by me to do something they don’t want to do that’s going to create many other problems. People don’t do well with feeling like their freedom is being taken away. So, I’m trying to find a healthy balance between pursuit and a healthy boundary. Even at my age that’s challenging.

One thing I haven’t done and won’t do is smother the other person. I won’t demand or manipulate. I’ve learned that much in life. Everything has to come out of the other person from a place of freedom.

We have to respect where this person is in life and still love them. That’s a biblical concept if there ever was one. In the process I might learn many things as well.

About myself.

Do I have the courage to look in a mirror as well. At this age I’m getting to the place where when I’m wrong or look back at the many failures I’m not going to let it define me. If anyone, including a family member wants to keep me in this place of constant guilt and lamenting (and I’m not necessarily saying this is the case in this situation) it’s only harmful and stifling. After all we as parents are growing too. That never ends. I can’t grow when I’m walking around feeling guilty all day.

Another funny thing has come out of all this. I’ve realized it’s time to let mom and dad off the hook too. They were fallible people just like me with all the wounds and scars like anyone else. They got a lot of things right and I’m really making a much better effort to dwell on that. That frees me just as much as it does them.

The arrogance of me at times. Wanting to continually make them pay for their sins.

It’s so wrong.

So where does that leave me now?

I read a book recently called “Come back Barbara.” It’s the story of an estranged father who was a pastor and his daughter. The theme of the book is to continually love your family member where they are. But there should be healthy boundaries on both ends. I’m learning to allow myself to be hurt and to stop blaming myself for everything that’s gotten us to this point. We have a right to ask just as much as anyone to please stop the things that are hurtful to us. If the other side doesn’t see it or isn’t able or willing to change things some distance might be required. However, it will be made clear that the door is never shut on my end and that nothing will ever stop me from pursuing this family member like Jesus pursued the one sheep out of 100 that was lost.

That’s what I’m called to do.

Love you son