The letter I should have written 20 years ago as your Father

Letter #44

Hello Tom,

I think that was one of the hardest things I ever had to read. The anger that I felt was overwhelming at times. I very rarely look at myself or my children with rose colored glasses, but I can assure you that I remember you well in those days and there wasn’t a thing wrong with you. It’s so easily proven too, because everywhere else you went you were totally accepted by your peers.

May I stop here and say that so many people upon hearing something like this want to share an experience from their life to try to make the recipient of this kind of abuse feel better. I have done that at times in my life and I’m not going to do it now. I’m talking about experiences I had being bullied or being a victim of any mistreatment similar to what you went through. I’m not going to do that because this was your journey and yours alone. So, any experience I or anyone else had is totally irrelevant. No one knows how you felt except you.

I am going to share a few things I learned from therapy that may help you, but it won’t go any further than that.

The first thing I want to comment on reading this is how evil kids can be. If there is any doubt just read the comments people have left both here and on Facebook. It’s sickening, totally sickening what those kids got away with. They did this to many other kids too. But the vitriol seemed particularly much more intense with you.

Secondly, after reading this I ask myself what I was thinking. This was well over 20 years ago, so I don’t remember it all, but I remember enough. For some reason I can recall your 4th grade through 6th grade years a little better. I think I was so blinded by the ties to that school that it just didn’t dawn on me to get you out of there. The mindset was this was the place to go as we were affiliated with it since 1985. You were born in 1993 and by the time this stuff came to light it was around 2004 or 2005. I remember conversations with the faculty and parents of these kids, and it would seem to simmer down for a while and when it did, I think I got lulled into a false sense of security that things were going better.

Then you add in this belief to stand up to bullies and it was a recipe for disaster. I remember this belief was totally shattered when I heard a well-known psychologist implore parents that had children in this situation to get them the heck out of that situation. Yes, you stand up to bullies but in this instance, it was too much.

Something else mom and I realized through the years; it rarely does any good to talk to parents about their kid’s bad behavior. People just get defensive and take up for their child most of the time.

When you got to the point you didn’t want to go to school anymore, we really woke up and got you out of there.

And I’m so sorry Tom, it really was a massive failure on so many levels. I’m so hurt that you got hurt. Tom, you were a really good kid that didn’t deserve that kind of abuse. I remember how good of a kid you were. The same depth you have now you had way back then. You felt deep and cared deep, and sadly you got hurt deep. Sure, you were a kid that made mistakes, but even then, in your personal relationships with kids your age there was very rarely a thought in your head to hurt anyone. It just wasn’t you.

You took the word kind to a whole different level as a child—you really did.

Shoveling our old neighbor’s snow off their sidewalk when you were a little over 7 years old. Helping them take their groceries in, being a servant any way you could. Getting up in church at that age during the thanksgiving service and sharing what you’re thankful for in front of a lot of people. This was who you were even then. Do you see how the qualities started then?

It reminds me of the lyrics from the Don McClean song “Vincent”

And I’m going to paraphrase a little.

“But I could have told you, Thomas, that class was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”

I just think most if not all this stuff came back to old fashioned jealousy. If you just do a google search, you’ll see that infant’s as young as 6 months old can display jealousy. Studies show that boys as young as 3 years old value strength more than any other quality. Studies also show that the competitive spirit comes out in boys generally around the age of 8. That only gets more intense the older a boy gets.

Let’s stay on the boys for a while then we’ll get to the teachers and administration. Sometimes in a class it’s just the luck of the draw or in your case a bad luck of the draw. But to be honest I’ve never heard of this kind of a dynamic where one boy has that much control over every boy in the class to persecute another boy that he doesn’t like. I mean think about that. This was a situation that was obviously personal. It gets to a point where it becomes an enjoyable habit with kids after they do it for a while too. I mean look at your picture, you’re obviously a handsome kid and were a talented kid. During these years you played baseball outside of that school and had no problem with the other boys on the team. Why? I think because many of the other players were good too and there wasn’t any threat. When you have kids act this way in another social setting like school and it’s so personal, it has to be something deeper. The only thing that makes sense to me is jealousy. Cody had to have been jealous. When you add in the money and what that brings to the whole equation it makes perfect sense.

Entitlement and a feeling of superiority. Which he obviously learned from home. I was around his father and grandfather a few times and arrogant doesn’t begin to describe the kind of men they were. The apple did not fall far from the tree. This was the same father that told the principal when he found out that your mother wasn’t doing the end of the year field day for the school that said, “I heard there’s not going to be a field day—THERE WILL BE A FIELD DAY”. To which mom replied when it got back to her, “If he wants to do it tell him he can do it.” That’s the kind of arrogance he had, so I’m not surprised by the way Cody acted. Another time after Cody beat a kid up and got in trouble, daddy came to the rescue and the punishment stopped.

Another factor was, his grandfather owned one of the largest construction companies in the area and was a very heavy hitter in the church and in the school. More on this later.

I just think it then snowballed into a situation where it became fun to pick on Tom, and that’s one heckuva place for any kid to be in. My gosh, it’s hard enough when adults do this to adults, much less happening to a child. Children have no coping skills and believe everything they are told. There was never any escape or relief for you. It’s awful Tom, the whole thing was just awful. So, you needed to stay in your place, be a good little peasant and do what you were told. Also, consider this, you must’ve bucked the system to some degree and refused to stay in your place. That should give you comfort son. It led to more abuse but at least there was a fight in you for much of it.

So, let’s get into the teachers and administrators. You know it never ceases to amaze me the lack of wisdom a teacher can show. Do you expect me to believe that many of them NEVER noticed this? It’s possible they missed much of it because the lack of some people to be observant and to be diligent just isn’t there. Looking back on it I see that now. I also didn’t know until years later that one of these teachers was a screamer and also traumatized you kids. Another mother told us that a few years after you left. Many of these teachers didn’t have degrees. So, they weren’t trained.

As far as the principal goes, she was a very complicated person that played politics. The dynamic in many small Christian schools is that many parents are either teachers or aides or involved in some way. When there is a problem with a child’s behavior, and that child’s mother works at the school, you can see where this gets very sticky. Especially when that school is already allowing unqualified people to teach because they can’t afford to pay a competitive rate. I think this was probably the biggest reason administration ran things the way they did, and unfortunately it couldn’t have had a worse impact on you. Especially with the grandfather and father of Cody having the name and influence for all the obvious reasons.

Another dynamic you were up against is this insane habit of many in the Christian community making a huge deal out of things like a stinking dress code. One of these teachers made a huge deal over you pulling your shirt tail out, as if that’s the worst thing a boy could do. Meanwhile the bullying is something that totally escaped her observation. This kind of thing very often happens in Christian schools. We’re going to major on all these unimportant things and then label that child as a problem. This happened to you in 4th grade. Then she started making you a focal point. This is not uncommon. When this stuff got back to me, I told this teacher after about 3 times that I don’t care anymore about this minor stuff and that if she had a problem go see the principal. When she did, she was finally put in her place as she should have been.

The last thing you were a victim of is politics. We’ve already gotten into some of it, but unbelievably there’s more. When your mother started to expand the sports program in the school as the Athletic Director, she was met with a fierce resistance from many on the faculty. As anyone knows, when you play away games many times you have to leave early to get to that location on time. Many of these teachers had no idea why sports are so important to offer to the students. That’s how sheltered and naive and short sighted many of them were. They just didn’t get it or care to get it.

So, what do you think happened??

BINGO!!!

YOUR MOTHER BECAME THE BAD GUY!!!

When mom coached and many of these clueless parents (that were also teachers and faculty) couldn’t see that their untalented child had no business being a starter, all hell broke loose. It became even more stressful and some of the fallout hit you and your sister.

So back to you, you go onto leave, and from here things drastically improve. You have a much better 7th and 8th grade experience with male classmates that had none of these issues. When you’re 12 years old you win the state championship for wrestling in only your third year. This was a year after leaving that terrible school. I remember your opponent well. He was pretty intimidating; heck he scared me. You had to hold him down to win that match and your hands had his arm in a vice grip. I remember seeing your face and the intensity and determination. You rode him out with over a minute left. He literally couldn’t get his hips off the mat. I’d like to think that was your way of exercising a lot of demons that day. Maybe you saw the face of Cody and every other boy in that class that day, I don’t know. What I do know is they couldn’t hold my boy down for long. My boy rose above all those horrible obstacles that day and when you walked off the mat with an accomplishment that none of those boys would’ve ever been able to remotely dream of, there was a feeling that this was the start of a healing process.

It was a start, Tom. A start.

Don’t forget about that boy. Embrace him and tell him well done. Let that comfort you and be a healing memory for you. It was only a year removed from that terrible class.

In that moment it wasn’t so much that you won, it was that you proved something to yourself.

You couldn’t and wouldn’t be held down!

I told you I would share a memory from my healing process. I learned this technique and maybe it will help you. Imagine you’re going into a large movie theater that’s empty. You’re sitting in the front row and then you notice this 10-year-old boy walk down the aisle and he sits in the front row across from you. As you look at him closer you see it’s you when you were 10 years old. But the movie you’re about to watch is not going to be a pleasant one, it’s going to be a movie showing all the things he endured. All the abuse and pain. As you both watch and you see him break into tears, you have the opportunity to tell him what he so desperately needs to hear.

I think you know why that is so powerful. Whatever it is you say to him that he needs to hear, you need to hear Tom.

In our discussion about masculinity, I can’t think of a better example of facing a challenge with courage. Which is all a man can do.

You have what it takes son. You faced them all and fought like a warrior.

I couldn’t be prouder.

Love you son