Men, The Safe Path Is Destroying Us

Letter #38

Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

He was a tough looking man that was intimidating when I first saw him. He was at our hospital to update our pneumatic system. The job was going to take a few days. As I watched him throughout that week, I was very impressed by his work ethic and craftsmanship.

I approached him and told him that we would love to have him on our crew as he was the kind of person that we’re always looking for. I was pleasantly surprised when he broke into a humble grin and thanked me. Then he told me he couldn’t be disloyal to his boss as he gave him a job in a time of need. That impressed me even more as he showed a trait that’s so uncommon and displayed the essence of who he was.

This was a man with battle scars, I’ve been around the block enough to know. I can always tell by a man’s eyes when he’s harboring pain. Your mother always tells me I have a God given ability to get people to open up to me that hardly know me. One day when he was at our facility to do another job, I decided to take a chance and start up a conversation.

We’ll call him Mike.

I said, “Mike you have a story and a journey that hasn’t been easy, don’t you?”

It wasn’t a mistake, and I was humbled when he began to open up about his past.

It was like something out of the movie “Good Will Hunting”.

He shared many things, but I nearly broke down when he said, “My father beat me so bad that the rug had to be replaced more than once from the stains of blood.”

This was this man’s father he’s talking about. I was horrified. I was sick to my stomach. I asked him what he did to overcome this.

“Ten years of therapy and a lot of prayer” he said.

I got choked up listening to this brother’s story and was flabbergasted to hear he’s gotten to the point that he’s forgiven his father and even talks to him!

He told me more; he has 6 adult children and loves them all dearly and smiled proudly when talking about them. He stopped the dysfunction and abuse and generations after him won’t pay for his father’s sins.

The man is a warrior and a hero and what we as men are called to be!

Do we ever stop to consider that we are setting the stage for the success of future generations in our families? If a man is a father and hands the legacy to future generation’s stability based on commitment and love, he’s fulfilled his calling in life. I don’t know of anything more important.

Tom, your great grandfather walked out on his wife and five children. There are sixteen grandchildren. Eleven of the sixteen have had horrible lives. That’s a percentage of 68%. That’s all we need to know. Of the five that didn’t have a horrible life, it’s still been a struggle and a fight to rise above it.

If a man is not a father, he’s still leaving a legacy and is having an influence on all he comes into contact with. Like women, we do have a place and a purpose, and we are important to society. We will get into the wonderful women that have had a tremendous impact for good in our lives in the very near future. In fact, I’ve done that in a past letter, but will expand on that even more.

A few years back your sister told me I need to read the book “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. It’s subtitled “Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul.”

I was 47 years old, and it had a tremendous impact on me. I think all generations of men need to consider what he has to say.

Many of us are lost and without a purpose. I think he does an excellent job of reminding us of what our purpose is.

John Eldredge is from my generation and maybe coming at this from a perspective we don’t hear too much. But it’s a perspective that I think many men need to hear.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is this.

“Most men think they are simply on earth to kill time- and it’s killing them. But the truth is precisely the opposite. The secret longing of your heart, whether it’s to build a boat and sail it, to write a symphony and play it, to plant a field and care for it- those are the things you were made to do. That’s what you’re here for. Explore, build, conquer- you don’t have to tell a boy to do these things as that is his purpose. But it’s going to take risk, and danger, and there’s a catch. Are we willing to live with the level of risk God invites us to? Something inside us hesitates.”

I thought about that a long time when I read that son. Why is it that we hesitate? I think it’s because so many men are afraid of responsibility. I’m not just talking responsibility for our families here, I’m talking about the responsibility to live! To challenge ourselves, to push on to excellence, to have the attitude and philosophy to push back at that thing that holds every man back, himself.

Like Mike we are called to be warriors in the sense that we’re fighting every day to conquer whatever challenge is thrown our way. To better ourselves, to take chances and to lead. I think when we live that way, we gain the respect of all of those that are along the ride with us.

This is illustrated so well in the movie “The Way We Were” with Robert Redford and Barbra Streisand. He’s a writer in the film and there comes a breaking point in their relationship when she loses respect for him because he always chooses the easiest path. Any film can have many interpretations but in the context of this letter, this point is relevant. If a man wants to find fulfillment, he has to have that warrior attitude.

I can’t think of a better example of this than two men that I admire and look up to and that embodies much of this spirit.

You and your brother… and that’s the truth!

What man leaves all the comforts of home and all that is safe and moves to the other side of the world for this very reason? Not many. To get out of your comfort zone and to challenge yourself to be a warrior and to conquer the unknown. I can’t think of a better example of risk and the courage to look fear right in the eye and to say, “the hell with you” and to do it anyway.

The amazing thing is that you did it twice! The second time in a country where you didn’t even speak the language! It’s incredible really, and it shows a tremendous amount of courage. A man is never more alive when he faces any fear and does it anyway.

Your brother did this by joining the Air Force. He was newly married at the time. They both knew going into the marriage this was going to happen. He was prepared to live a life of service and sacrifice. But it still takes courage to challenge yourself in this way. After a while, the neuro-pathways in the brain will fight against any discomfort. We want what is familiar. Any time a man rises above that fear, it’s a major victory. I wouldn’t have had the courage at that age to do that either.

This leads to all kinds of questions. Does a man have to go the other side of the world or join the military to prove this to himself? Not necessarily. The point is that we’re not called to shrink in the face of a challenge. If we do, we lose respect for ourselves and the possibly from the people closest to us. Sometimes we will pass this test and sometimes we won’t. I think I failed this test when it came to my job. I needed to get out of my comfort zone for a better challenge. I failed in that regard, I think. I don’t think I failed in pushing myself to being a very good worker, I was never satisfied with the easy way out of any job or even attempting a job that was challenging. I did eventually have the courage to become a supervisor and that was a victory, but I really wish that I would’ve taken the more challenging path to push myself to more fulfillment.

One of the biggest tragedies I see are men that have lived lives taking the easiest path and have never contemplated for a moment what it did to them. They were content to just get by. I think it can get to a point where one thinks they’ve accomplished something by having an easy day. They live life like this day after day their whole lives. In those instances, that’s a true tragedy. We are called to be so much more.

A man is never more alive than when he faces a challenge or a fear and has the courage to take it on. That’s what we all need to aspire to.