How Christians piss the world off and how to change it

Letter #28

Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash

Hello Tom,

I feel led to take this discussion on a slightly different path this week. I want to talk about what it was like to grow up evangelical and the path it has taken me on in my life. I mainly want to share with you how many of them think and what so many of them get wrong.

I’ll start off with a story. I’m a 15-year-old at the Christian school I attended and there was a Christian College drama group performing at our school for a week. Due to the home I grew up in coupled with the wrong message I was hearing from some in the Christian community, I was an angry young man. It must’ve shown really bad because at the end of the week one of the drama players approached me. I really thought about that this week. This drama group was here for the high school only. Ours was a smaller school so there were probably just over 100 high schoolers. For them to notice me out of all those kids, I must’ve really looked pissed. The thing is, I was. About so many things. About so much mistreatment at times from certain faculty members, about certain people my parents were friends with in our church that had no idea the pain I was in. These same people believed half-truths my mother told them, rather than have the wisdom to look at the situation and see that there were reasons this 15-year-old was pissed.

They held to their narrow view that I was this rebellious sack of crap that wasn’t worth much.

So that’s the context when this young college student approached me after the week was over.

I remember the conversation going something like this.

He introduced himself and then asked me my name.

“So, Bill what did you think of our presentation this week?”

“It was Ok” I half-heartedly responded.

“You know Bill, all of us in the group couldn’t help but notice how angry you look’”

“I really don’t want to talk” I replied.

At this point I left the chapel and started walking back to the school, but the guy started following me down the hall.

“I know what your problem is Bill, Jesus isn’t your savior and you’re going to hell.”

At this point I’m ready to duke it out with this guy and I just shouted…

“Would you just leave me alone!”

“Unless you change your attitude, you’re going to hell, Bill” he replied as he finally walked away.

This was probably the worst display of approaching anyone—much less a teenager that was obviously in a bad place mentally and emotionally. How can someone be that blind and arrogant? How could someone not have the wisdom to see the best way to approach anyone, much less a hurting teenager, is to first show love and compassion?

Especially when you’re supposed to be bringing the “Good News.”

That story I just told I’m sure can be told by many people. I know in your letter about not believing in God you shared the many bad examples that turned you off to Christianity and I totally understand.

We can gossip.

We can judge.

We can kill our wounded.

We can lack wisdom.

Many times, we show no love to a hurting world.

In my journey that took so many twists and turns and, in many ways, still does; I have to start from the beginning.

When I was 10 years old, I was at vacation bible school. I know you know the drill son. As you have been there and done that. I don’t know how you felt about it but for me it was pleasant. I had a really cool teacher that obviously loved us. I heard the gospel message, and it just resonated with me. The forgiveness and reconciliation with God that was offered through Jesus to me was a beautiful message. It really did change me.

In an earlier letter I wrote I told you about the Gilbert family’s role in all this. They were there at the time and were hugely influential at making the Christian message one of love and acceptance. I never felt in any way at that time that anything I did could stop God from loving me. I was totally at peace with who I was and where I was going.

When they went back to Canada in 1974, that was a watershed moment and everything changed for the worst. The influence of Mrs. Lynn on my mother was gone. Prior to them leaving she would bring my mother back to reality over and over by telling her that life is not supposed to be perfect and that if you think your kids are going to be perfect, you’re going to have a rude awakening.

After they left, the old mindset began creeping back in with my mom. She couldn’t stand mistakes and was very perfectionistic. She obeyed the “rules” of the bible. At least in her mind she did. She made it all about her and what she was doing and began to get around people in the church that thought the same way.

You know what this breeds?

Self-righteousness.

Trust me, I’ve been around this element of certain people in the Christian community, and I’ve seen its’ devastation.

I’ve talked with many people my age that have had similar experiences. One with a nasty father that went to church and became a nastier father. He justified his nastiness by pointing the finger at everyone around him, and the way they weren’t keeping the rules—neglecting to see that there were 3 fingers pointing back at him.

Oh, he made sure his kids weren’t going to movies, listening to rock music (especially KISS), dancing, or treating him with the slightest disrespect, and loving to catch them in any behavior he considered bad so he could continue to be self-righteous and, in his mind, to justify his nastiness.

All the while breaking their spirits every day by harping on their faults, treating their mother with an iron fist and breaking everyone around him like they were in some kind of stalag 13 prison.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many in the church have this list of the dos and don’ts (the don’ts list is usually 20 miles long) but have the relationship skills of a Pit Bull with rabies!

Do you not know that the things you are saying and doing and the constant unrelenting focus on your wife and kid’s faults are literally destroying them? Does it ever occur to you that the gospel message is a wonderful message of reconciliation? Does it ever occur to you that people need encouragement more than anything and that you are breaking their spirits everyday of their lives?

Yeah, they might not be listening to KISS but internally they are busting at the seams.

You know Tom, Jesus addressed this so powerfully in Matthew 23 when he said…

“They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. They do ALL their deeds to be SEEN BY OTHERS.”

Jesus continues his rant throughout the rest of the chapter defending people from the tyranny of the self-righteous. From the people that refuse to believe the simple gospel message of reconciliation through faith. From people that lose sight of the gospel message and that actually want to believe that their acceptance before God is based on what they do rather than God’s beloved mercy.

Anyone, much less a 15-year-old that’s already hard on themselves, is going to see the church as a place of torment if that’s all they hear.

You couple all that with a dysfunctional home, perfectionistic parents that can’t accept their kids mistakes, and certain people in the church that spew this, and you have a recipe for disaster. That and the struggles of my own mind, depression, and bad OCD made my 20’s a wreck.

Now for the good news. Now for the redemption.

When I was about 26 a friend introduced me to a ministry that got me back to the basics of the gospel or the good news. That because of Jesus’ atonement I’m forgiven and reconciled and that because of this I’m now seen as acceptable to God. In a legal sense the debt has been paid and I’m seen as totally acceptable based on my faith in Jesus’ righteousness and not my own.

I’m made right.

It’s not based on anything I’ve done. It’s a beautiful gift.

The teaching that was so revolutionary and life changing to me is that I’m proceeding from my position of acceptance—not working to gain it.

That’s the gospel.

And when we start getting that as the church and offer it to the world in a loving way and allow that to change us, we will start having an impact for good.

To our family that aren’t Christians, of course I’m sensitive to how you may think or feel if you disagree. There are so many conversations that take a long time to discuss and to wrestle with that I’m well aware of.

Believe me.

I’m only trying to convey my experience in the context of my life and what led to my liberation.

I think most of us know our own brokenness and if every thought was laid bare before the world, most of us, if we’re honest, would be horrified for the world to see. We know deep down inside there’s something wrong or broken. We can attribute it to many things, and we all do, but we know humanity is broken.

I’m a huge Beatles fan as we all know. I read that prior to George Harrison’s death that he went to the Ganges River to be baptized. That was fascinating to me. He believed purification was had by reincarnation and by eventually getting it right in a future life to the point where you earn your right to see God. As much as I disagree with the lyrics, I do love the medley and beauty of the song “My Sweet Lord.”

The interesting thing to me is that George got baptized. That’s a rite that shows purification is needed. That’s the way I take it anyway. George Harrison was a cool guy.

So, what about the hypocrites in the church and the abuse they can spew? First of all, aren’t all of us hypocrites if we’re honest? If the leadership of the church is doing their best to deal with it, we need to love the hypocrite too. When it becomes abusive to the point where the atmosphere is unloving then it’s time to go.

Finally, I know the Christian community as well as anyone and I know what some will say…

That I’m condoning living a life however you want by asking for forgiveness, but that you have to do your part.

Today’s letter is about reconciliation and is not meant to be a bible study of 100 pages getting into deep doctrinal issues.

I’m merely saying the church needs to give hope to a world that’s looking at us to offer it and that a lot of humility would go a long way.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity in these letters to touch on these things Tom.

I love you son.